I decided that I really needed to help myself understand that "I am sorry" is an apology.
I have become sandwich lately between my mother's upsetting illness due to her weak heart and my beloved husband's demanding family. In addition I am so near to my final exams.
Every time when I am with my mother I am thinking about my appointments or get together promises with my in-laws. When I am with my in-laws and they all busy making jokes and having fun something always keeps me reminding about my wasting time instead of studying.
But the "needed help" part is my saying or feeling "I am sorry" every time I see or hear people demanding more from me and my feeling sorry for not being there when they needed me or not studying and wasting time.
In other words...hmmm....I am saying sorry a lot nowadays.
A few nights later....when my mother was in hospital (admitted) and a newly wed couple called me to meet me before their leaving to blah blah place for their honeymoon....I simply denied to meet them. But soon after that I started feeling sorry and whenever I came in contact with my in-laws I felt the shame of letting down their relatives. I have said sorry to my beloved husband lot of time.
It was two days ago when I came back home exhausted from work and take out books to study my mother called...though we had made plan that I will take timeout from her and will give that time to my studies. But she was feeling bore and I know she was afraid of her condition too...she is old and want someone near her all time...she was ok but wanted a chit chat....
I had to say SORRY to her...and explained her that it is my time to study and I have exams so I need this time....
But soon after I hang up the phone I felt so sorry that I asked my beloved husband to drop me to my mum's house.
And so last night....after all the running between my house to mum's and to hospital....talking to so many doctors...taking mum to so many doctor's appointments....studying in nights and going to office regularly.....I exhaled....
"I am sorry.....I guess I am screwed up and now need a break "
I stopped myself....Why?....Why am I sorry????
Myself : I am sorry because of the look and gesture I get when I say sorry to people....it is somehow....I made them sad....I am not sorry to them....instead....I felt sorry for them....that they have no one to turn to but me...and I am letting them down....
And so I decided that I really needed to help myself to understand that, "I am sorry" is an apology. Its not what you say when you think you might fail the expectations or when you are busy attending something more important and ignoring something less important at that time or may be trying to stick ed to the plans and determined about your priorities.
You cant be everywhere....everytime....doing everything.....making everyone happy.
I have to prioritize and should not be sorry for keeping behind less important things at that time as they will also get their share of my time on their turn.
hmmm....I am sorry..but..correct me if I am wrong????
Contextual Notes to 'Smoke & Mirrors' - 'Smoke & Mirrors', (*A New Ulster*). Some notes were omitted from the book *About Time: Poems & Adaptations 1993 - 2012* due to the length of the ones that...
2 weeks ago