I decided that I really needed to help myself understand that "I am sorry" is an apology.I have become sandwich lately between my mother's upsetting illness due to her weak heart and my beloved husband's demanding family. In addition I am so near to my final exams.
Every time when I am with my mother I am thinking about my appointments or get together promises with my in-laws. When I am with my in-laws and they all busy making jokes and having fun something always keeps me reminding about my wasting time instead of studying.
But the "needed help" part is my saying or feeling "I am sorry" every time I see or hear people demanding more from me and my feeling sorry for not being there when they needed me or not studying and wasting time.
In other words...hmmm....I am saying sorry a lot nowadays.
A few nights later....when my mother was in hospital (admitted) and a newly wed couple called me to meet me before their leaving to blah blah place for their honeymoon....I simply denied to meet them. But soon after that I started feeling sorry and whenever I came in contact with my in-laws I felt the shame of letting down their relatives. I have said sorry to my beloved husband lot of time.
It was two days ago when I came back home exhausted from work and take out books to study my mother called...though we had made plan that I will take timeout from her and will give that time to my studies. But she was feeling bore and I know she was afraid of her condition too...she is old and want someone near her all time...she was ok but wanted a chit chat....
I had to say SORRY to her...and explained her that it is my time to study and I have exams so I need this time....
But soon after I hang up the phone I felt so sorry that I asked my beloved husband to drop me to my mum's house.
And so last night....after all the running between my house to mum's and to hospital....talking to so many doctors...taking mum to so many doctor's appointments....studying in nights and going to office regularly.....I exhaled....
"I am sorry.....I guess I am screwed up and now need a break "
I stopped myself....Why?....Why am I sorry????
Myself : I am sorry because of the look and gesture I get when I say sorry to people....it is somehow....I made them sad....I am not sorry to them....instead....I felt sorry for them....that they have no one to turn to but me...and I am letting them down....
baahhh....hmmmm
And so I decided that I really needed to help myself to understand that, "I am sorry" is an apology. Its not what you say when you think you might fail the expectations or when you are busy attending something more important and ignoring something less important at that time or may be trying to stick ed to the plans and determined about your priorities.
You cant be everywhere....everytime....doing everything.....making everyone happy.
I have to prioritize and should not be sorry for keeping behind less important things at that time as they will also get their share of my time on their turn.
hmmm....I am sorry..but..correct me if I am wrong????
You are not wrong, In fact if this would happened with me, i would have said to people that they should say sorry to me, because they don't care about my problems but i do.
ReplyDeleteThis is your kindness that you are saying sorry all the time.........
Much Patient......
Well problem is at the other end. people should think about others like they do about themselves. I think "rest and break" is even needed by machines or robots, a human cant survive working continuously 24*7..
ReplyDeleteMy you do coordinate a lot!
ReplyDeleteTake care of self as much or more than all the rest or there will often be nothing really to give...
I know you were most clear in post above to say to self first and then to others: "I'm sorry you have no one but me to help you." or something like that... because that's much more true than to let others convince you that you are all that is standing between them and a better life.
And you can somehow say that to each one in such a way to let them know you care. This may also prompt them each to find their own comfort.
That's something else I've learned about joy...if I give only out of duty (sometimes necessary) I feel little if any joy...so we really have to pick and choose what is necessary duty, right?
You again are so clear and express such common things so uncommonly...
Prayers for you to find that "sea" again soon...:)
You are a perfect human being, the conflicts that you pronounce shows the character and the strength of personality rather than the weakness. When we know truly our self, then we truly know the world around us, the world that is very demanding, self-indulgent and oblivious. But we can turn, all this around with a smile, a gentle pat and a gleam of positivity. We each live in a world of our own script and you are not a co-writer………
ReplyDeleteUrooj...and....ReeBz....
ReplyDeleteThank you so much both of you for given me time enough and comfort me by commenting the way which shows that you care.
Thank you so much dears....I am honored.
hmmm...Dear Connie....
Yes it is true that we need to remind ourselves about being the hope for someone and thus should feel the responsibility to keep that hope alive...may be thats why we say that ALLAH chooses and by HIS own ways....
"if I give only out of duty (sometimes necessary) I feel little if any joy...so we really have to pick and choose what is necessary duty, right? "
hmm...May ALLAH help all of us to take out joy in our duty and to make taking out joy from duty...a duty itself...
Thank you so much Dear Connie...you are the most valuable friend one can find....I am lucky...thanks alot.
Dar Sahib....thank you Sir to affirm that I am not on wrong path...sometimes and I think it is neccessary to keep asking your friends and well wishers that either you are on right path??? In this way you gives you safer journey towards right destiny.
I hope I can find a balance option to make everyone satified if not happy.
Thank you so much Sir.. I am honored.