Sunday, February 28, 2010

Evil Outside !

I was in the elevator alone.

A man was walking towards the elevator....hmmm.... We made eye contact.

The doors slowly started closing.... And I....hmmm.... didn't hit the button to keep the doors open.

I was again in the elevator and an elderly man however wanted to go the ground floor mistakenly stepped out on first floor and I...even knowing his mistake didn't remind him instead hit the button to close the doors....hmmm

While driving smoothly one poor man wanted to cross the road and raised one of his hand to ask me to slow down and though...I can slow down easily...I put my hand firmly on horn button and my right leg on accelerator until the poor guy decided to let me pass first...even though I didn't let him pass the road while I was crossing him I gave him a know that look....

"Dare you !" look.....hmmm

I was waiting for my mum to came back from assessment room in hospital during her daily visits to a doctor and was holding two plastic cups...a woman out of no where came and asked me to give her one of my cups....I simply denied....she said " Come on its just a cup...." hmm....I firmly said....rather rudely...NO ! and start looking away....hmmm

So Mr/Miss/Mrs Strangers...if you're reading this....

I apologize. I have no excuse for closing the elevator doors on let you stepped out on wrong floor...never letting you cross the road and not sharing my cup with you...

Rather you can easily understand by the simple exclamation that....Right now I have my evil outside.

hmmmm.....May Allah forgive me my sins...Ameen.

What to do ?

I am looking for a new doctor for my mum....hmmmm

I am not happy with the previous one.

He is so…so…I mean he don’t lie and tell us whatever is going on with my mum straight forwardly which sometimes makes my mums disease scary and scared me…even most of the time make me cry.

I just called few of my contacts who can choose or get me name of other better doctors in the city and also can get me their appointments and few doctors which I think are really good and can help my mum too in a better way.

Even then there are a few little things that piqued my concern…like…
  • Whether the new doctor would be able to deal my mum’s old disease and how much time he would need to understand all her problems and when he going to start…I mean literally start her medication…
  • Is it cheating on the previous one…I mean letting him down for other better bigger name….our leaving him will become a news in his circle and every other doctor would know that his patient left him because of his lack of experience and service…
  • Am I eligible enough to make choices for my mum...
But it this is something I have to do…I mean I am not satisfied….

However I looked at every other minor detail. I know he's a great doctor....but I can't help but think may be there is one much better then him out there.

Maybe I should look around more....hmmm

Then I realized something:

This is exactly how I treat every aspect of my life…from routine selection of things to jobs and to meeting people.

I always think maybe there's someone or something better out there. Maybe I'm settling for less than I can have and can find much better.

Everyone wants to maximize their happiness at the least amount of cost and risk to themselves.

How do we foresee the future?

How do we know anything for sure?

Every decision we make seems to involve some risk…some chance for failure and misery.

And that thought is so terrifying to me that it makes me hesitate before making a choice.

So the saying goes "he who hesitates is lost."

But if I decide on the other doctor and then find him not better then the previous one later on…I'd kill myself.

What to do? hmmm

Of course I know I shouldn't let my fears paralyze me from making choices.

And sometimes I have to have a faith on ALLAH that things will work out in the end.

Even........if it is a little scary.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I am sorry !

I decided that I really needed to help myself understand that "I am sorry" is an apology.

I have become sandwich lately between my mother's upsetting illness due to her weak heart and my beloved husband's demanding family. In addition I am so near to my final exams.

Every time when I am with my mother I am thinking about my appointments or get together promises with my in-laws. When I am with my in-laws and they all busy making jokes and having fun something always keeps me reminding about my wasting time instead of studying.

But the "needed help" part is my saying or feeling "I am sorry" every time I see or hear people demanding more from me and my feeling sorry for not being there when they needed me or not studying and wasting time.

In other words...hmmm....I am saying sorry a lot nowadays.

A few nights later....when my mother was in hospital (admitted) and a newly wed couple called me to meet me before their leaving to blah blah place for their honeymoon....I simply denied to meet them. But soon after that I started feeling sorry and whenever I came in contact with my in-laws I felt the shame of letting down their relatives. I have said sorry to my beloved husband lot of time.

It was two days ago when I came back home exhausted from work and take out books to study my mother called...though we had made plan that I will take timeout from her and will give that time to my studies. But she was feeling bore and I know she was afraid of her condition too...she is old and want someone near her all time...she was ok but wanted a chit chat....

I had to say SORRY to her...and explained her that it is my time to study and I have exams so I need this time....

But soon after I hang up the phone I felt so sorry that I asked my beloved husband to drop me to my mum's house.

And so last night....after all the running between my house to mum's and to hospital....talking to so many doctors...taking mum to so many doctor's appointments....studying in nights and going to office regularly.....I exhaled....

"I am sorry.....I guess I am screwed up and now need a break "

I stopped myself....Why?....Why am I sorry????

Myself : I am sorry because of the look and gesture I get when I say sorry to is somehow....I made them sad....I am not sorry to them....instead....I felt sorry for them....that they have no one to turn to but me...and I am letting them down....


And so I decided that I really needed to help myself to understand that, "I am sorry" is an apology. Its not what you say when you think you might fail the expectations or when you are busy attending something more important and ignoring something less important at that time or may be trying to stick ed to the plans and determined about your priorities.

You cant be everywhere....everytime....doing everything.....making everyone happy.

I have to prioritize and should not be sorry for keeping behind less important things at that time as they will also get their share of my time on their turn.

hmmm....I am sorry..but..correct me if I am wrong????

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Jean Rodrigues !

Today was Jean's last day in our office.

We celebrated her departure and she cut cake. She spent her 12 years in our office and I believed that gave her life's best days to this place.

She took early retirement and decided to spend more time with her family ... I never get a chance to talked to her about her plans but this is my rough idea about every working person that only after their retirement they finally get the chance to know their family.

I hope best for her though our office is not willing to let her go and Exam Department will be hiring her help time to time.

Jean on her departure speech said that she had seen so many people going and heard so many good byes and today as she is standing on their place exactly understand how they must had felt.

"It is so sad to say good bye" she said.

Yes ! It is...I always try to avoid good bye scene...I still remember my father coming and going to other country year by year and never liked to meet him when its time of his return. I know its foolish of me and people may think I am a

While we were happily mixing up and enjoying the Jean's farewell party snacks...I couldn't resist and my attention divert towards my mother.

She is ill and old....I know I should have my faith on my Allah...I should keep my hopes high...I should praise HIM and pray HIM to give my mother long life....

But as I am an imaginer I cant help but imagining her....departure.....hmmm.....

What kind of a day that would be....? Would I be able to say good bye to her...? Would I be able to meet her...hug with her?

I am not good in saying good byes....what would I be doing...would I be shying and hiding the same way I always do....hmmm....

May Allah help me on this !

Friday, February 5, 2010

Welcome our new Pharaoh - America.

In the name of God, the Lord of Mercy, the Giver of Mercy

Its not started from the execution of Saddam Hussein in his own country... or the target killing of poor Afghan's... America proved itself to be new Pharaoh of the world since so many decades ago.

"Pharaoh made himself high and mighty in the land and divided the people into different groups: one group the oppressed, slaughtering their sons and sparing their women - he was one of those who spread corruption."

Pharaoh was afraid of the other group...he believed that one day one person of that group going to arise and kill him...So he started to take revenge from that group. He killed all the son of that group so that no one can bring death to him.

But my MAKER has HIS own way of taking revenge....

"...but WE wished to favour those who were oppressed in that land, to make them leaders, the ones to survive, to establish them in the land, and through them show Pharaoh, Haman, and their armies the very thing they FEARED."

hmmm.....concluding question is.....if America is the new Pharaoh of the world then what is the FEAR....????

What is that fear for which it is taking revenge from the oppressed and are slaughtering their youth???? I am waiting for my MAKER.... for HIS plan....about our new Pharaoh.

"HE is the judgement and to HIM you shall all be brought back. "

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Dr Aafia Siddiqui : Her Inside Voice !

“I think we all have a little voice inside us that will guide us…if we shut out all the noise and clutter from our lives and listen to that voice, it will tell us the right thing to do.” (Christopher Reeve)

And that’s the point when she caught people attention on taking out her inner voice out and actually work on it.

What does “courage “have to do with being a person of good character or with someone who stays true to their principles and their values?


You see, being values-driven means two things:

Doing what’s right – following our conscience; refusing to compromise our principles, despite pressures and temptations to the contrary, and

Taking a stand against what’s wrong – speaking out, whenever we see others do things that are incorrect or inappropriate.

Unquestionably, both of these require guts and fortitude – they require courage.

Courage is…..

Following your conscience instead of “following the crowd.”

Refusing to take part in hurtful or disrespectful behaviours.

Sacrificing personal gain for the benefit of others.

Speaking your mind even though others don’t agree.

Taking complete responsibility for your actions…and your mistakes.

Following the rules – and insisting that others do the same.

Challenging the status quo in search of better ways.

Doing what you know is right – regardless of the risks and potential consequences.

I’d like to share one of the prayers I heard once in between Policemen.

“Make us choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong, and never to be content with a half truth when the whole truth can be won. Endow us with the courage tha is born of loyalty to all that is noble and worthy, that scorns to compromise with vice and injustice and knows no fear when truth and right are in jeopardy.”

What Dr Afia did was right or at that time she thinks its right and I am sure she listened to her inner voice and thus acts accordingly. Then she took all the responsibility of her actions and sure she challenged all of us to find better ways by sacrificing her own life.

Hmm….that is truly the essence of courage.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Cook your suffering !

When I was not a good cook...many of my sufferings were utterly spoiled by mismanagement in cooking and so were not tender and good.

Sometimes I kept them constantly in hot water: sometimes try to freeze them by my carelessness. Sometimes kept them in a stew until they dry and became more irritating and pointed.

I was totally ignored by the fact than that any suffering can be tender and good when so managed and they are really delicious when prepared properly.

In selecting what suffering you should cook, you should not be guided by the silvery appearances of any suffering : nor by the golden tint as if you wanted a best suffering. Treat them as all of them are same. ...hmm...if any suffering is getting away from your eyes take a look again...they might come back with more force and power. Besides your heart is their home.

Do not go to the market for them as the best ones are always brought to your heart's door....hmm

Be sure to select them yourself as they all tastes differently. It is far better to have none unless you will patiently learn how to cook them.

hmm....the frying pan of the finest porcelain is best only if you have nothing better than pressure cooker. Like crabs and lobsters, sufferings are cooked alive. They sometimes fly out of the frying pan and so become burned and crusty on the edges, so it is wise to keep pan covered with a strong silken cord called TOLERANCE.

Make a clear, steady flame of love, warmth and cheerfulness. Set them as near this as seems to agree with them. It will prove your ability to accept your sufferings.

If sufferings sputters, do not be anxious, for some sufferings do this until they are quite done.

Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners called TEARS....your sufferings love them but use no pepper or vinegar (cursing other for your suffering) on any account.

Avoid sharpness in testing them for tenderness. Stir them gently, lest they lie too flat and so become useless.

You can not fail to know when they are done. Once they are done you will find them very digestible, agreeing with your heart perfectly.

And they will be in this way as long as you choose unless you become careless ans allow the flame grow cold. It can arise them again.

So cook your suffering to get rid of them. At least try....hmmm....thats what I am doing too.