Friday, March 28, 2014

I am sorry !

I am sorry that I rushed away from you.

hmm...I am sorry that I leave you.

I am sorry that I no longer talk to you…leaving you was crucial not for me…but for your own sake and safety…hmm...

Believe me that seeing you achieving whatever I dreamed of was getting on my nerve…it started with jealousy and suddenly becomes desire to hurt…to see tears…to watch you make you loose whatever you have gained…if I had not left you I would had done something to make you fall…or may be I would have hurt you so badly that…but I didn’t let it happened and so not let’s not talk about that.

I know that you still think about me…although you have become so accomplished and a complete professional you still get time to think about me and my suddenly vanishing out of your life and still you are not able to put the jig saw puzzles back to there place so combined you get the actual picture… so that it may satisfy you that it was not your fault…but fault is not mine as well…

I think its in human nature….we do get jealous…we do hurt people…we do like others to fall from their higher places to pieces…however I admit…in our friendship…if you still want to call it Friendship…or was that mere likeness of thoughts…commonality at that moment of life between us…whatever was that…

I admit that my fault was quitting….I could have talk to you about it…you might have find some ways out…why I couldn’t talk about US to you…?

My fault is that I didn’t even give our friendship/commonality any further thought…as if it is not that important…doesn’t worth our talking seriously about it…I thought about it…saved my own respect and left you alone to wonder WHY…HOW…you have done something to make me a stranger.

So please understand that this is not YOU…the reason was me…I couldn’t just stand your progress…I couldn’t swallow it…

I am a very jealous person and I became jealous of you extremely and by doing this I not even started hurting you but also I was loosing my self respect…

I was loosing my image on mirror as if I never had any image…and to save my own image in my eyes and yours too I had to leave.

And I know that you will never forgive me and I can’t or will never ask for your forgiveness…and we never will be friend again…will never share any joke…any gossip or even a simple smile…twinkling of eyes…happiness to see each other once more after so long of waiting or talking endlessly on phone…or your sharing your simple innocent jokes about your family…or mine telling you about something foolish…

Believe me you that I love you…that I miss you everyday…and I just want to tell you so much that leaving you was not at all easy.

Saturday, March 8, 2014


Last night I heard it talking to itself again.

Something bad had happened to it and now it will take revenge on all of us…so it was talking to no one as though we can’t hear it although we can…but since it was middle of the night and everyone was deep in sleep no one expected to calm it down.

I heard it yelling and in my dreams I remember the program I didn’t actually saw but since I was happened to be in Television lounge so watched it as well…in that program three different women of different political parties were yelling against each other making their points that the other one should resign from the Government as they have failed delivering what they promised and due to their simultaneous talking/yelling/cursing…

I am sure even the listeners would had not get what their points were…or may be I am the only one….anyways ‘it’ yelling in the night to itself gave the same impression.

Finally, it woke me up…I took a deep sigh and asked myself why it always me…but since it was talking so loudly I had to react in panic and in panic I went to it…tried few of its NOBS when they didn’t worked I turned it off from the main switch and that was the end of the story.

Although…we got life time guaranty with our television set but I think the three women program had seriously got on to its mind and thus our television is now switching on by itself whenever it wanted and sometimes it embarrassed us front of our guests too…

I still can’t wave off that embarrassment when we were having some very decent guests and suddenly it switched on and started showing the Sports Channel of some name and the woman’s wrestling program was on…hmm…I mean…why me?

By the way when I was about to switch off it I heard the news which I am sure was also repeated that some robbers forcefully snatched Sharmeela Farouqis’ car and the first thing came into my mind that how could they…? I mean how could they snatch the car ‘only’ and left Sharmeela...?

I think time to go….hmm…

Friday, March 7, 2014

House Wife

This time I was lucky to have little chit chat with Kamila Shamsie, my all time favourite author.

When I asked for her autograph after the session (in KLF) she asked my name and out of politeness what I do…I told her that I don’t do anything…I am a house wife….she smiled and said never say that…housewife is a full time tougher job than any other job in the world…by that time few more people have gathered around us and she narrated one of the funniest thing happened to her…hmm...

She told me that she was invited to a very leading News Agency recently for an interview and when she reached the studio…one of the compares’ helper asked her few question to get the compare know about her and her work… so the dialogue was like that…

She : What is your recent novel?

Shamsie : Its God in Every Stone

She: What you do?

Shamsie : I write.

She: For what News Agency / NewsPaper?

Shamsie: No, I write novels, I am a novelist.

She: (a bit confused now) I wanted to know whom you work for?

Shamsie : Well, I told you I work for myself, I am a full time novelist.

She: (with a big sigh) OKAY…SO YOU ARE A HOUSE WIFE!

No need to say that we had a good laugh on that…however it also gives us a lot to ponder as well…first Novel writing does not consider by the world as a full time work…job...still people thinks that one can not have a decent life (or raise enough income) by just writing a novel…hmm...

Second the perception of a novelist is still unclear….its lot different from being a news person.

Recently, I have seen and read so many authors who first established their identity as a Columnist or Reporter…and suddenly they have come up with a novel …they may be good authors but since their writings are influenced by their political career their novels also have the same flavour one of the example is M Hanif and his novel The Case of Exploding Mangoes revolve around the assassination of General Zia ul Haq.

It is like mixing two different genres to one….in few years may be we will forget to separate a good fiction and political based novel since we are not setting any rules for them.

I wish…as reader I can have the thorough understanding on these matters and can separate these novels on the basis of their plot, stories and moral.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014


hmm…has anybody missed me?

To be honest...I was not busy…I had plenty of time to write…to contemplate…to compose my words but I was least interested in writing anything.

I don’t know whether it was just my will not to write or not to share what I feel…hmm…whatever it was I read a lot instead…

There I find few books worth recommending…few writers inspired me deeply…

Its amazing when you are reading something and come to a page where it suddenly start talking YOU…and the writer no longer remain the different person...the writer becomes is such a nice feeling somewhere deep inside your heart you sighed and said to yourself…I am not the only one feeling that…hmm...

It makes your day…and I found out that I do not read to find answers or to become wise…or to become more compassionate…I read because I want to know that I am not the only one experiencing…feeling...what I am experiencing and feeling…I am not alone.

Somewhere…someone was living my life (had my life) and s/he was good in words and wrote every bit of it.

It gives me hope…faith…hmm…

So here I am sharing one of the latest book I read of Karen Blixen, Out of Africa…

It’s an autobiography of Karen Blixen and revolves around her stay in Africa where she had a farm near Ngong Hills.

The whole book was worth reading but the last few chapters when she has to sell her farm to move back to Europe were sensitive enough to read again and again.

Though her and my conditions are different she was selling her farm and I have nothing to sell…but the situation was same…the place which she chooses to be her HOME was slipping out of her hands and she could not do anything to stop it…the life she loved…but forced to change and how she wrote about it…was brilliant.

So here is a little excerpt from the book…

“I lay in bed and thought of the events of the last months. I tried to understand what it really was that had happened. It seemed to me that I have, in some way, got out of the normal course of human existence, into a maelstrom where I ought never to have been.

Where ever I walked, the ground fell away under me, and the stars fell from the sky. I thought of the poem about Ragnarok, in which this fall of the stars is described, and of the verses about the dwarfs who sigh deeply in their caves in the mountains, and die from fear.

All this could not be, I thought, just a coincidence of circumstances, what people call a run of bad luck, but there must be some central principle within it. If I could find it, it would save me, if I looked in the right place.

I reflected the coherence of things might become clear to me. I must, I thought, get up and look for a sign.

Many people think it an unreasonable thing, to be looking for a sign. This is because of the fact that it takes a particular state of mind to be able to do so, and not many people have ever found themselves in such state.”