Happy Anniversary !

The more I know of the world, the more am I convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!”

~Marianne Dashwood

Like all couples....

hmm....we have days when we could throttle each other and days when we just want to be alone....

....but neither of us would ever want to be truly alone without the other there to offer support.

So I dedicate this post to my beloved husband;

.....a wonderful man who loves me just the way I am....and believe me....sometimes I should imagine that's a hard undertaking!

Being Me

I was pleasantly surprised the other day when my beloved husband expressed how he understood my reasons for being "me"...hmm.....

You may think this sound odd but all my life I've always felt like someone who doesn't belong...someone who hides in the corner and lets the world continue while she looks on.

One of my best friends who is a party lover texted me if I wanted to go over for Iftaar plus Diner party with three of her friends.

But....even though I love her to bits....I declined her invitation.

My unsociable personality is sometimes the bane of my life but it's just who I am...

I can't help being like this and I don't want to change.

hmm....I enjoy being me.

Sometimes...when I'm feeling isolated...I'd like to be invited to a party and accept the invitation... but I know I won't go and that's most likely why I never get invited anywhere.

And now I never complain about not being invited...people know me....they seem to understand.

My beloved husband....on the other hand....is very sociable and he loves partying....socializing and making new friends.

That's the way he is.

When I told him about me declining my friend's invitation to join in the fun…he said...."that doesn't matter....you're a loner. We'd be boring if we were all the same."

I enjoy being a loner. I've always been one.

hmmm...my online life is so different to my personal one.

Many people I talk to online assume I'm confident...chatty....someone with a big personality....but in reality I'm totally different.

I have one or two friends who shake their heads at me....in a nice way...but I can see what they're thinking.

I'm lucky though....because those friends understand me.

And now it seems....after 4 years....so does my beloved husband...hmmm....

Discovery Channel

My 7 years old niece watching the Discovery Channel….

hmm....and we the adults (my brother…his wife….me…beloved husband and my mother) were on the edge of some hot gossip when she suddenly asked me…

Phoooophii?"

"Yes?"

"Suppose….if you wants a baby….and years later you don’t have one…and now you have decided to have one….”

"Yeeesss?"

"...does you have to mate ?"

"hmmm....."

Sometimes….watching Discovery Channel all day long can be confusing….especially for a child who takes everything literally...

hmm....sees life as black and white

....lives on a "need-to-know" basis.

I wish I could get inside my niece’s mind and pick my way through all the loose wires.

Perhaps too many to count….and perhaps too many to connect together.

What a fascinating world in which she exists…hmmm…..

Charlotte...again !

There is a term in writing…”Don’t tell….Show”

If I like you to know that there is thunder storm about to hit the city….I can’t just write that there is thunder storm coming…

I would rather write:

Though it was dark all around….I could see his face time to time by the lightning of sky…and every light followed by the thunder sound scared me too much to clutch his hands….we couldn’t balanced ourselves because of the strong air moving in between…sometimes I have to lean on his shoulders to keep walking…we have to reach for some shelter….may be he was too busy in his reasoning to even noticed me throwing my whole weight on him… suddenly…I felt something moistening our hands grip….and within seconds I realized that rain has begun….

How you like it?

I think you got the picture well….yeah???

In this way I will take you to my imaginations…but never will let you go away with your own…

...when reading a novel you got paralyzed totally dependent on the writer…..you can’t make decisions…you can’t imagine…you have to close the book if it is the end…no matter how differently you wanted it to be….but it’s not your choice.

The extra ordinary feature of Charlotte Bronte’s writing is….she not even entrapped you in her imaginations but also let you go away with your own too….

So many times in her novel you will find yourself wondering from here to there to find exact match to fulfill your desires too…and she….never mind.

In “Jan Eyre”….this isn’t a scene…..but….I’d like to see the portraits that Jane paints….

One of Blanche Ingram and one of herself….I’d like to see how she sees herself….and how she painted her rival.

The most amazing fact was that Jane while painting those pictures didn't even consider herself as a rival to Ingram.

Now…imagine…if you are giving a choice to paint yourself and your rival….how would you go about that?

Ingram…a beautiful…rich….confident woman….noticed by Rochester…

Jane seen her….having good time with Rochester….totally agreed that Ingram would soon be the Mrs. Rochester…

Jane had no hopes...but why than she painted both her and Ingram same time?

Ahh…it’s always heart breaking to have your rival front of you…having fun and good time with your loved one…

....and acknowledging that you doesn't stand a single chance....hmmm....

With Him !

Today…hmmm….

His mother…brother….and I visited him.

It should not have been too surprising that there were others too who were visiting their loved ones as well.

I watched some people cluster…. hovering over random mounds of mud…..

“Must be a new entry….” His brother said….I gave fade smile….

I wondered what their stories were.

So we walk to the usual spot….and it's the 10th time I see his name engraved on a steel plate on a flat rock.

Grass had grown on what was once fresh earth.

One may say this was our 11th year without him.

And today again….we were there….

With him....hmm.....