Diary

If you’ve ever tried to keep a diary, then you’ll know that the problem of trying to write about the past really starts in the present : No matter how fast you write, you’re always stuck in the THEN and you can never catch up to what’s happening now, which means that now is pretty much doomed to extinction.

(A Tale for the Time Being – Ruth Ozeki)

I hope I will be able to confide everything to you, as I have never been able to confide in anyone, and I hope you will be a great source of comfort and support.

(The Diary of a Young Girl – Anne Frank)

So this is what people think about their diaries...hmm...you may confide anything to it...yet no matter how much you write on its fine blank pages...

I wish that somehow they have EARS... Yes...EARS...not the tongue but the EARS (one ear would do also) so if my diary has ears I think it would be more convenient for a person like me who always have so much negative to write about this world...this is very difficult for a person like me who managed herself somehow to present in such a positive manner to this world that when I truly sometime reveal my true identity people brush it off as something like for a time being after the episode I will go back to them saying sorry and will again resume my shell of being a courteous...hmm...humble and abased.

By the way, this reminds me of a lady (my ex-boss already more than 70 years of age when I used to work for her I am not sure her still living...does not mean that I want her dead by now...but...okay...okay...back to actual story)...
...she used to tell me (instead of her being very polite and humble) that nobody knows how rude she is...and I being not able to understand her...used to laugh aloud...

hmm...now I understand what she meant...now I am one of that “the” most rude person pretending to be very nice and humble but inside her heart melting with rage never getting courage to tell them that how foolish and stupid they are...how absurd how naive...

I can see their fake faces...I can feel their masks...I can see inside them...that how their insecurity led them talking endlessly without thinking that their talking reveals their true identity...it is more easy to be quite and let the other people do the talking...a never failing trick.

So this is ME...writing the same in my diary wishing it having ears to listen to me which I am right now feeling...which I don’t want to write but to say it loudly...since I can’t shed this negativity I feel time to time...when I hear those foolish...illogical...and absurd talking wishing myself patience to bear them and courage at the same time to tell them the truth.

hmm...seems like I am asking too much from my diary...anyone there to lend me an ear?