"Kun! Fayakoon" 'Be! and it becomes'

Whenever He (Allah) intends a thing, He needs only to say: "Be (Kun)," and it is (fayakoon).
[ Yaasin - 36:82]

And it s near...so near that it is very hard to concentrate on anything else.

I am trying my best to keep calm but failing...heart wander and take me to it again and again...

I don’t want to talk about it...just keeping that in mind want to be happy and to keep waiting...as I have been doing so long...its like all my life I have been waiting...waiting for this...moment to come...

And some voice deep inside the heart keep calling....

Behold...its near...

Freedom...freedom is here...freedom is about to fall into your hands...or I will be falling into the hands of freedom...such excitement...such thrill...such suspense...

So many times I have failed...that failure has become part of my personality...I can even brag about it...I have somehow perfected myself in failing...overloaded myself...sometimes wished feebly that this weight is enough to drag me down into the ocean and end it all...

This time its different...this time it is for real...this time I can feel it...its near...

Freedom is near...I have already flapped my wings restlessly...can’t hold the anxiety...although I know I can’t dive right now....few more days...months...but its certain that soon the time will come... the time ...the time for my Lord to say...Kun...and I will take my final flight...

I will never stalled my flight...
I will never stop flapping my wings...
I will fly up and up and up...
I will never look back...no...
My time will finally arrive...KUN for me...setting me free...and behold..here I am coming...free...hmm...

Beloved

There is a saying that we meet everyone with certain reason...unknown to us.

The reason we sometimes can’t figure out since the person we met...lost before we understand the reason behind our meeting than instead of figuring out the reason of meeting we started our reasoning on losing each other...sometimes we only understand the reason of someone coming into our life when we lose them and no matter how hardly try...can’t figure out why we lost them.

Sometimes it’s useless thinking about the reason of losing someone if that person is already gone and you are sure that there is no other way you may get the lost one back...which is only when the lost one is dead...so than you are free...free to ponder on the meeting..losing...reasons...a good past time...a good way to remember....but in case the lost one is still alive...breathing somewhere...it is advisable to keep a decent distance and keep your mouth shut...because as soon as that person come near again you will...as if you have no WILL...will start falling for that one once again....which is very embarrassing as if you are such a lousy failure that all this time you done nothing but tried to overcome the distance between lost one and yourself.

Is this what you think that I have been doing all these years when you deject yourself from me?

Partly it is YES...yes I have been thinking about you a lot...there were time when I forget you completely but soon after a bit of time the remembrance came back...bouncing...with the exact reaction force with which I have pushed that away...hit me...touched me...lowered me...humbled me.

Only now I don’t think about the reason of finding...loosing....finding...it became like a circle...always ends up at the beginning...

I want to weigh our relationship...in terms of worthiness...does our being together worth anything...does our loosing each other brought any happiness to both sides...does re-uniting will bring any change...confidence...happiness...does our relationship worth anything in our world?

For me...it does...I valued you... and will...keep valuing you....Don’t know about YOU.

The beloved you've lost 

but you’ve chained me down 

stolen away my heart 

leaving yourself behind 

now I have lost my way 

my soul restless 

and head twisted 

all because of those secrets 

you once whispered 

I only must keep

fasting my heart 

to set me free 

from sleepless nights 

since your only advice 

when you saw me in flame 

was to keep burning 

with you or with your thoughts 

words of wisdom 

came to me at last 

“the beloved you’ve lost 

the one you’ve been seeking outside 

can only be found inside” 

– Ghazal 2582, from the Diwan-e Shams 

Translation by Nader Khalili 

“Rumi, Fountain of Fire” 

Cal-Earth Press, 1995

Fairy GodMother

Dear Blog...I have news...hmm...

I had a colleague...although working on higher position since she and I used the same Office Van we often got chance to talk to each other except those were only few remarks on weather and other petty things in office...not more than that because she lived so near the Office that she was always the first one to drop and last one pick so we hardly got few minutes together more hardly to engage each other in conversation due to the continuous loud music in the back ground emitting through the Office Van’s speaker which were exactly placed on our heads...that is the Van’s Middle Roof...

As the story goes, once she read one of my article in my Facebook notes and wrote a comment in praise...the problem with me as usual is don’t know how to take the praise...and more worst is that how to reply those praising remarks so although she wrote it few hours ago and must have forgotten all about that I reading it at once blushed and for few minutes do not know what to say...and thus as I couldn’t come up with a better reply so I let her remark unanswered...hmm....

As I lost the job and lost my house and inevitably my dream came true as an old HAG in RAGS...I lost her contact too.

Few days ago I was just roaming in my Hotmail account since I forgot its password and it took fifteen days for the Microsoft to confirm every details about me to provide me the new password...

I saw her email...she asked me write something as I used to write during my Office days...at first I thought what the hack let the email gone by wind and if we ever meet again (which I strongly believe not possible)...

I would tell her that I lost that email account...but then suddenly my flare flickered itself so hard that I had to obey... I wrote few articles and send her...she asked for my number too which I sent with the article after few hours she replied on my phone that she has selected one of the article and it will be published in August Issue...hmm...

Now...the epic scene arrived in the story...she for the first time revealed herself (which is like in Cinderella movies the Fairy godmother suddenly reveals her true identity by magic leaving Cinderella dumbfounded for good five minutes to overcome her joy...surprise...the amazement...so on and so forth...)she told me that after leaving the previous job in which I used to be her colleague she joined this highly ranked English Magazine as an Editor In-Chief and she has selected one of my article to be published in August Issue...no wonder it dumbfounded me...

...and I don’t know what to say in return as usual...I tried to humble myself wrote back with lots of thank you...and stuff like that but I don’t think that these would compensate the favour she is doing to me....

Whenever I think of it...it feels so romantic...someone read you in your old days come back with that memory and suddenly give the chance of your life...you were waiting whole your life...although one article would not lead me to the NOBEL as was my determination but at least I would not remain the unpublished one too...yah? Something is better than nothing.

Time to time this strange feeling also creeps into my heart that may be she was just making fun of me and in August I will be searching desperately her Magazine in vain (which is so expensive I can buy few books with the same amount) I would find nothing and she would be sitting somewhere with her friends making jokes about how she managed to take fool out of me...but next instance I get rid of this awful feeling...as she told me that I will get the August issue for free...so my fears are just my fears nothing more...

She is definitely one of those wonderful miracle makers God thrown in between our hard and rough ways to fall for HIM all over again and I am sure I DID....only....August is so far away...hmm...

Exchange

As it always happens to me ...time to time....I get this feeling that I have wasted enough of my life and so far has not read the enough books...hmm...which got me freaked out and I closing all the doors to the social world (unless it is necessary) start reading the books...

I don’t know but I always feel like in debt to all the good books out there and thinks it is my duty to read them...somewhere someone written a very nice...informative...sensitive and creative book and I am just roaming around not even a single second thinking about what actually I am missing...for me...this is very very very...bad.

As a child I used to calculate...hmm...I used to make the calculations in my diary about the books I would have read by the certain age I reached...my calculation was very simple...for me one week is more than enough to finish a book...adding...everyday routine as three time meals...one time shower...one hour with mum...and one hour for my pets seems like a good plan to me...

I can even make notes...can feel the passion...and can move on for the next one...and if one week is enough than it makes almost 50 books per year...and if I somehow would manage to read all these books a year depending on searching...finding and finally having them beforehand ....lots of lots of books I should have read by the age I am...but...nope...as I said I have wasted lot of time...causes were sometimes created by my own...and sometimes as the Air Plane Tickets disclaimer says...” Works of God”...

Does this sound irrational? Do you think I am exaggerating?

Consider yourself during a hectic day...phone ringing every second...pile of files lying on your desk so high that hides you behind them ...searching something desperately on the Google as your next meeting is in few minutes and you are the one leading it...and suddenly you looked up and saw a calendar hanging just in front of you and this calendar containing the current month scattered throughout the half page and the upper half page got this very enchanting scenery of some distant ...out of reach...dreamy place or park and even though you should not be thinking anything else...you feel the numbness towards everything scattered around you and so wanted to be there....yes...in that dreamy...enchanted...lonely place...at that exact point...if you will be asked I am sure you will readily exchange your place...from here to that dreamy...soothing...gentle place...

hmm....See...?

That is exactly how I feels...the longing for the books...to read every master piece...to read contemporary at the same time the classics...to be able to remember them...to be able to talk about them...to be able to live with them...this is for me...my exchange from this social world to that wonderful world of books....

The difference is...hmm....you may not exchange your place (unless you have some witch on broom as your friend who would happily give you a favour)....but I can...chee...

I can exchange my social world to that world of books...and so right now I am writing this from that book world of mine...hope all is well with you.

Forgiven !

Chin in my hands I kept brooding over recent incidents...I really wanted to go out have some ice cream and be cooled...at least for a while...instead....cemented on the chair...kept thinking....hmm...

You can forgive every other person in this world...the thief who stole your purse...the milkman who charged you more... plumber cheated you on kitchen’s basin...drivers high jacked your car park...neighbourhood children putting elfi in your door lock.... if someday any of them turn to you miserable...and ask for your forgiveness...what you going to do..hmm...?

You will simply smile no matter how you really wanted to slap the person you will emit the words..like...
okay okay no big deal...
dont feel bad...I either...
sorry I don’t even remember that...

hmm...thats what you gonna say embarrassed enough to get rid of the situation as soon as possible as if you are the one confessing your sin...asking forgiveness...you will simply give them a chance to be a better person to the next person they will meet...even if they failed to be one with you...to you...

So it is easy to forgive...and yet so hard if it is to forgive one own self...to forget and to move ahead...to be better person next time...why I could not forgive myself?

Even as an adult...coming to this age...getting wiser everyday has not change anything...my status is still like...hmm...brooding over mistakes...lies...oversight....

I still wish that I could go back and change things :
the ungainly lies my mouth emitted...
the insecurity I had felt...
all the innocent mistakes I made or were them not innocent?

I am trying hard to give me reasons for my perversion...but all I feel is the resentment...hatred and rage against myself. I should not have done that...I should not have accepted that....

I should have known that forgiving is very hard especially when it comes for one own self...every day every time whenever I ask myself for pardon I got the fit of furry...for myself.

I failed myself to be myself....I have disappointed myself...humiliated myself.

And no matter how I reason with myself...I just can’t forgive myself.

hmm...what a lovely...holly word this is...FORGIVEN.

Diary

If you’ve ever tried to keep a diary, then you’ll know that the problem of trying to write about the past really starts in the present : No matter how fast you write, you’re always stuck in the THEN and you can never catch up to what’s happening now, which means that now is pretty much doomed to extinction.

(A Tale for the Time Being – Ruth Ozeki)

I hope I will be able to confide everything to you, as I have never been able to confide in anyone, and I hope you will be a great source of comfort and support.

(The Diary of a Young Girl – Anne Frank)

So this is what people think about their diaries...hmm...you may confide anything to it...yet no matter how much you write on its fine blank pages...

I wish that somehow they have EARS... Yes...EARS...not the tongue but the EARS (one ear would do also) so if my diary has ears I think it would be more convenient for a person like me who always have so much negative to write about this world...this is very difficult for a person like me who managed herself somehow to present in such a positive manner to this world that when I truly sometime reveal my true identity people brush it off as something like for a time being after the episode I will go back to them saying sorry and will again resume my shell of being a courteous...hmm...humble and abased.

By the way, this reminds me of a lady (my ex-boss already more than 70 years of age when I used to work for her I am not sure her still living...does not mean that I want her dead by now...but...okay...okay...back to actual story)...
...she used to tell me (instead of her being very polite and humble) that nobody knows how rude she is...and I being not able to understand her...used to laugh aloud...

hmm...now I understand what she meant...now I am one of that “the” most rude person pretending to be very nice and humble but inside her heart melting with rage never getting courage to tell them that how foolish and stupid they are...how absurd how naive...

I can see their fake faces...I can feel their masks...I can see inside them...that how their insecurity led them talking endlessly without thinking that their talking reveals their true identity...it is more easy to be quite and let the other people do the talking...a never failing trick.

So this is ME...writing the same in my diary wishing it having ears to listen to me which I am right now feeling...which I don’t want to write but to say it loudly...since I can’t shed this negativity I feel time to time...when I hear those foolish...illogical...and absurd talking wishing myself patience to bear them and courage at the same time to tell them the truth.

hmm...seems like I am asking too much from my diary...anyone there to lend me an ear?