The Question !

As soon as I asked the QUESTION she starts crying.

She put her head on my shoulder started with sobs which is ok for a bride to be...since it is obvious that she has already started missing her family and friends but soon the sobs became crying.

I get scared though I didn’t at all understand why she is crying like a baby but she continued and there was nothing in my hand to stop her.

I tried to console her…give her assurance that she will be ok…in her family-to-be…but somehow she was so hurt that none of my assuring comments calmed her.

She is my baby cousin…I know her since her childhood…darling of her daddy…since childhood she had a dream to become a Doctor.

She used to tell me that she wants to do something for poor…that some day she will open a hospital for needy who can’t afford medicine and treatment.

She will do it for them free…she was a very brilliant student…I saw her struggling in her medical studies…and when finally she held her degree her father arranged a Groom for her and today we were at her wedding.

Soon her mother came close and told me to join the other for dinner…so I have to leave her alone on the stage where she had to remain for the rest of the evening.

I looked at her from the dinner table after I took my plate to the corner and find her better…may be some of her siblings scold her for crying and that she is messing her make-up at this she stopped crying but remain somber.

hmm…what I have done so deplorable that affected her whole mood?

After Dinner…when guests were striving to sit besides the Bride and Groom to get in the movie…I went behind her…behind her sofa where I touched her shoulder from back.

She turned around and smiled.

"hmm....I am sorry…if I hurt you anyways…I didn’t mean it...and you know…. " I started...

"It’s ok…." she interrupted me and turned her back again to me…I stand behind her for a while…waited on her…she smiled to her husband and looked at her palm painted with beautiful design of henna…

For a brief moment there was a break…no one was there on the stage…Groom was standing aloof and Movie maker was arranging the group for the next photo session while she turned around…looked at me and smiled…

"I am so sorry dear…"...I started again.

"I told you its not you…" she again interrupted me.

"hmm....No...I know…there is something wrong…may be I shouldn't asked you anything like that…. " I somehow manage to explain a bit...

She again looked at me….and this time her tearful eyes stopped me….

"Actually it was not you or your question which hurts me…but…what hurts me is that YOU were the only person who asked me this question.

I waited on my husband-to-be to ask me the same question…his family…his friends…my family…my friends….

They do ask me so many questions…

1: What I can cook?
2: Whether I can cook or not?
3: What I like to eat…and so much more…

But no one ever asked me that whether I will start my house-job or not? "

It is true that we have broad our mind a lot….we now don’t mind working women…we never asked any girl why she wants to study after her Intermediate….and we never stare at the girls wearing uniforms going to their colleges in the morning.

But still….when a girl get married…she somehow has to ceased everything she has been doing in her single life.

There are lot of men who take month or more holidays to get marry…but a lot of women leaving their jobs because they are getting marry.

We still have long way to go…hmmm….

Good Bye !

They were the happiest days of my life...hmm....

Though I didn't know it....

Had I known...had I cherished this gift...would everything have turned out differently?

May be....YES.....

If I had recognized this instant of happiness....I would have held it fast and never let it slip away....hmmm.....

It took a few hours...perhaps...for that luminous state to enfold me....

...suffusing me with the deepest peace...

...but it seems to last days....even years.

And I will never find that peace again....hmm...

Goodbye...my dear friend.

Judging a Heart !

As I came back with a glass of water for my mother....

I saw him…what shall I say…COMPLEX man talking calmly to my mother…or may be my mother was talking to him fondly.

I sat by them close to my mother but never looked at him…he was somewhere 40 and quite handsome too.

And then a nurse…the same nurse whom he bullied few moments ago in front of us…came and took him for further tests.

“Why you were talking to this COMPLEX and IRRITATED person…mother?”

As soon as he disappeared I asked my mum…

“Young lady…you are always ready to label people….which is not good….you should have decency to first know people…”

“Well…what else I need to know about him mother…?”

“I overheard him talking with the other patients…with Gruff…Negative…Tough-Guy Attitute….complaining about his job…in an economy where there are those who would love to have a job they hate…just to have a job…he was blurting about his job…”

“Hating every minute waiting here…that’s what he said…what else should I need to know about his attitude maa…?”

“And….yes…he joked to that nurse about how he’d wanted to punch the last nurse that started his tests…”

hmmm...I was mildly annoyed with his dramatic…pessimistic attitude.

And in a brief moment…with rolling eyes…

I judged him.
Such a simple action.
A moment in the mind.

I evaluate and I label and I measure.
By whose standards?

I had him all figured out from a few interactions.

This complex man of God.

Later my mother told me about his stressful life...

And heard my mother talked to me about words like
1:Divorce.
2:Depression.
3:Evaluating for suicide.

My heart plummeted...hmm.....

How could I have been so wrong?

This wounded soul.

My mother said…” These were matters of the heart that a cardiologist couldn’t heal.”

“He is aching for love….wondering for his worth…”

“And you…young lady so quick to judge and slow to learn.

Sorrowed and softened by this new-found knowledge…I waited for him…he did returned and came forward hurriedly to my mother…requested for her blessings and gave me a ….smile…too.

hmm...this time I smiled back…look at his face tenderly…into his eyes.

Yet the lesson remains.

When I’m in a hurry…when I’m frustrated or annoyed…when I’m preoccupied with my own worries or pains…what wounded soul am I overlooking?

When I impulsively judge a person by their looks….their words….their actions…what wounded soul am I passing by?

Dear Allah above….help me to obey your command not to judge….

I would be happier...if only !

hmm….
I often asked this question to me…Am I Happy?

Yes....hmm...I am happy...

I am happy for what Allah has given me…HIS blessings are around me…like my caring and loving mother…my beloved husband…my work…my way of living…my blog…and my online friends…

They all make me happy…all the time…and only today I asked this question to me…

What would make me happier?

I would be happier if only…

I am a bit more petite…slim…not more but only three inches …tall….with fair skin…

If only I become wiser…

My mother becomes healthy…active in our lives as she used to be…

And I would be happier if only…

…the dark yesterdays of segregated schools transforms into bright tomorrows of quality integrated education…

….if men and women....will be judged on the basis of the content of their character....not on the basis of the color of their skin.

…if only every state governor will govern justly...who will love mercy...and who will walk humbly with his God and his people.

…I would be happier if only….

….when nobody will shout..hmm....“White Power!”
And nobody will shout....“Black Power!”

….but everybody will talk about God’s power and human power.

I would be happier if only…America will no longer have a high blood pressure of creeds and an anemia of deeds.

And I would be happier if only people start respecting every others’ feeling and religion.

....hmm...

One Onion

hmmm....

Once upon a time there lived a very nasty, horrible old woman.

When she died, she didn't leave behind her one single good deed.

So the devils got hold of her and tossed her into the flaming lake.

Meantime, her guardian angel stood there, trying hard to think on good deed of hers that he could mention to God in order to save her.

Then he remembered and said to God: "Once," he said, "she pulled up an onion in her garden and gave it to a beggar woman."

So God said to him: "Take that onion, hold it out to her over the lake, let her hold on to it, and try to pull herself out.

If she does, let her enter heaven; if the onion breaks, the old woman will just have to stay where she is."

So the angel hurried to the woman, held out the onion to her, and told her to take hold of it and pull.

Then he himself began pull her out very carefully and she was almost entirely out of the lake when the other sinners saw she was being pulled out and grabbed on to her so that they'd be pulled out of the flames too.

But when she saw them, that wicked, horrible woman started kicking them saying: "I am being pulled out, not you, for it's my onion, not yours!"

As soon as she she said that, the onion snapped and the woman fell back into the flaming lake, where she's still burning to this day.

And her guardian angel wept and walked away.

(Brothers Karamazov).

If you want to know human psychology read Fyodor Dostoevsky (1821-1881)...a Russian novelist, journalist, short-story writer whose psychological penetration into the human soul had a profound influence on the 20th century novel.

Shake well before use

But I didn’t follow the instructions very well…

That’s why when I started painting my kitchen wall the color was cream…
but by the middle of the wall the color became ORANGE and when I finished…the color was somewhat…hmm….RED.

Since I was so absorbed in next plan to take out all the things from my bedroom and paint it myself…I didn’t notice that I have started painting cream and end at red.

Though I asked my beloved husband to buy dark orange color for the kitchen and when I opened the paint box I scolded him for not getting what I asked and he showed me the COLOR mentioned on the box…which was clearly ORANGE (1013) and then we cursed the paint shop salesman for not given us the correct color.

But then the cursing went to the FACTORY owner/worker since it must be their fault not to mention the correct color on the box…yeah…?

So I have the color in mind was CREAM…and dreamed while painting that how would my guests will take my kitchen and my bedroom with same color…hmmm….

It took me three days to explain and to tame my beloved husband that in these days we can’t afford professional painter for re-painting our small kitchen and bedroom…as we only wanted our walls to be re-painted since its EID festival due and everyone likes to see their house glittering clean.

I thought that just re-painting the kitchen and bedroom walls would do the trick…but you never know…what lies in your future?....yeah….

And….we haven’t just stopped there….we had CREAM color for my bedroom….since we have four long walls…I took two boxes of CREAM color…when I started painting my bedroom the color was CREAM of course…and glittering type (when I afterwards took the expert advise the color called….GLOSS ENAMEL…which does not look bad…rather I liked it) but the other CREAM was of DISTEMBER type which is not glossy….hmm….

But I don’t mind that since it has a blessing in it too…because when I sleep and there is dark in my bedroom…I can clearly see my beloved husband in lounge on my bedroom’s shiny wall…hmmm….

Which means…that the other part of the room has no enamel paint…I am sure my beloved husband couldn’t see me watching him.

So…I had another good funny story (since that’s how my Sister-In-Law put it) for my relatives with the EID treats and a house with different color walls....hmmm....

Intellectual

"hmmm...here comes the lad...I was waiting for..."....I said to my mum...

"What took you so long? "

" Do you know I have been waiting since ages for you...?"

I asked the lad a bit rashly....hmmm....and turned to my mum again to make lad's position more uncomfortable and said....

"Whenever I think of going home early...this happens."

Actually...the lad was my brother in law's new...young driver...."working part time"...

....as explained by my brother in law..."he don't need the money he just love my children" ....hmmm...

And today evening because of rain he suppose to pick me up from my mother's house...

My mum....extremely happy to see the young man asked him for a cup of tea...which he accepted heartily....

"hmmm...Mother...why YOU always admire the person..I detest...?"

"Grow up...and make tea for us...."

While making tea I heard the cheerful chatter between my mum and the lad...which boils me with tea...or either milk...

Once I heard that my mum was saying something about today's music and how it gives her headache and him saying something about Atta ullah Khan Essa Khailvee music...may be he loves him....

When I entered the lounge they have started on families....

He had never seen his father....his mother is a senior nurse in a Govt hospital...

He graduated from Govt college...got scholarship....done LLB from UK...now he was going to the LSE to write a doctoral thesis on law and poverty in the third world.

hmmm....

The moral of the event:

It is quite impossible these days to assume anything about people's educational level from the way they talk or dress or from their taste in music.

Safest to treat everyone you meet as a distinguished intellectual....

hmmm.....

Choose Wisely

Have you imagine about your Free Will And your Maker...? hmmm....

Both are like a railway tracks....they run along but always separated....

They are incomplete without each other....I mean one can not be termed as track until it has two parallel ironed lines,,,,

But even though both are separated they take you to the same destiny.

So you can't say that you are not using your free will now....you are happy with God's decision....

Even then you are giving up your self to your MAKER you are still on both the tracks....to reach the destination....even if you are no more choosing or making decision which is also your own choice....thus you are using your free will....

So when I was young I tried so hard to get rid of this country.....

I tried for student visa....I tried for settlement....I tried for(of course not spouse what else left) but for visit visa....and shamefully I got selected....all the time....

But whenever it came to buy a ticket and run away...I always got stuck here for some one or other reason....and....when my Mother finally decided to live here and decided not to leave this country....I used my free will again and follow her.

I used my free will all those years....and I find myself making my own choices and getting them fulfilled....but my destiny was to love and to live in this country....hmmmm.....

So my MAKER played this all....HE let me choose but decided for me....and HE has HIS own ways....He took me where I am but never once give me the impression that it is basically HIM...who is marking my destination...not me....

When I was seeing off my sisters and their children today on the Air Port....

I was thinking that it could be me...and other people would have come to the airport to see me off with tearful(ok ok....with broad smile) eyes....

Instead I am the one who always be here on the Air Port to fetch them or to see them off.

Now I thank God for letting me use my own will and I choose wisely....because case could be like I somehow manage to go abroad but never cope there and had to come back with fame that I am the one who failed abroad so came back to Pakistan...

I am much more happier now since it was my own choice and I strongly believe that I choose wisely....hmmm....