Run Over

We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over, so in a kindness there is at last one which makes the heart runover. 

~Ray Bradbury ~ Fahrenheit 451 ~ 

Or is it the other way around?

There is your vessel of love..tolerance…patience and forgiveness…drop by drop its filling itself and there is always one drop…hmm....

....at last the last one…the drop which will spill it …the one and only…and its over flooded..run over…

It doesn’t matter what kind of that drop was…the best time pass afterwards is to remember every drop which filled your vessel slowly…silently…except you can’t remember the last drop…the one which actually did it…

Every drop has its own story…you remember them but the moral of all those stories fill you with more hatred…more resentment…more anger and you feel like an IDIOT !

What an Idiot I was…hmm....it was obvious…very clear…transparent…everyone knows it going to happen…everyone was signalling me…everyone…except me…saw the truth…why I am so dumb?

What was I thinking…?

They say...after every storm there is calmness…no…nope…never….

After the storm there is always wreckage to take care of…there is so much destruction…the looses…the damage…the brokenness….and you are the only one…who have to face all that…

I mean even if you have people to take care of you…you actually can’t share the feeling…you have to keep it to yourself and keep it hiding too….because the sharing might start the blaming…it might trigger another storm…

What is the remedy?

There is none…once its done…its done…no turning back…every step will enhance the distance between the two…yes…that last drop is deadly enough to kill all the hopes…faith…believe and love…

Explanation Call

Everyone who is an employer or an employee knows what ~Explanation Call~ is…hmm...

Well...it is not literally a call…its a chit chat…one to one…closed door meeting…it is when in the position as an employee you made a mistake...blunder or when you make a decision which your employer was not expecting from a lousy employee like you…the Management ask you to come over a cup of tea…

hmm...though you will not be offered a cup of tea but instead(sigh)…after a brief salutations your higher will start making you feel like you do not deserve the position you held and it was with your sheer luck that you got the job….

Normally its not the person who took your interview because than s/he can not tell you that you were a mistake by the hiring department….the person will ask you for the reason…intention…the time you made such a horrible blunder but seldom give you time or space to talk…you will gasp for the space…and s/he is better trained to choke you…its like a fight…a dual…all the time…you are the one who will loose…unless you are at the other side of the desk…so if you are…this post is not for you…sorry for wasting your time.

In my 10 years of working experience…these Explanation Call are kind of treat for me…sometimes I deliberately do it to spent sometime with the HR and thus to take sometime out of the routine work…blink…

Once I remember I came out of the meeting room and a newly hired colleague asked me how it feels to be in there all alone with no one to back up…I gave her a big smile and with indifference…grace told her it was not a big thing for me…since all these HR has only one thing to do… to find the mistake and to pin point someone while I am so experienced now I literally do not take them seriously and this is the only way an employee can survive…shortly after giving her a lecture I learned that the HR personal who was with me before in the meeting room was actually with me that instant too...hmm...me and my lousy indifference...

But these office Explanation Calls are easy to handle…you explain…write…make note and either your explanation was accepted or rejected you feel contented that at least you were asked for it and the decision was not made on one side story. 

What I find difficult is the actual life explanation calls…which your parents…in-laws...peers…friends or even stranger time to time throws at you…you have to hit those with care to bounce them back…not to hurt your counter…and measured enough to satisfy the person.

There are different kind of people in your life…one of them are those who accept you the way you are…once they understand you they get along with you the way you want them to get along…hhmm...and there are people who try to make you feel guilty all the time…its not that they will ask or send you email to explain yourself ...but it is in their gestures…or the way they carry themselves with you…soon after a phone call…or a visit…they will start showing the signs…they signalled you with their little conversation here and there with other people who knows both of you…they will make metaphoric remarks between your talk and ignore you…

You don’t know how to explicate what is the wrong you did to them and how to clear things without hurting them more or even hurting your ego.

This becomes worst when these people are the one you care most in your circle of acquaintances. This is strange that these are the most intelligent people you know and do not expect them to behave like that…

I mean they whine always for freedom…free will on the other hand when it comes to their hand they usually force their own likes…dislikes on you.

I don’t like to explain myself...I never do...do all I can to avoid it…hmm....but if I do…it brings the resentment in me against the person forced me to do…I usually don’t want the people I care about to put me in the condition to explain myself because I know it will not help us...will not bring us close...but will grow the distance between us…one step…two step...viola…we are two distant colonies. 

But...hmm...what  can do…some people are like this !

Experiment !

In 1946,Quaid-e-Azam declared:

“We do not demand Pakistan simply to have a piece of land but we want a Laboratory where we could experiment on Islamic principles.”

And I was just thinking that how many more years we will take to keep our experiment going on ?

Is this beloved Pakistan a mere experiment?

Or have we really sustain the same experiment from which we started our journey?

It seems now that even this beloved nation is on the experiments...hmm....we are still under the charge of not knowing what actually we need to do...who to vote...who to watch on television...who to promote...who to believe.

We are still not ONE...not choosen one...we are not the believer we are just the experiment...hmm....

hmm...what ever we are...I just can't stop loving you my beloved country. And that's the problem that even though you are an experiment you are very dear to so many people that may be some day their love will take you to a sustainable position and will astonish the whole world.

So cheers to you, beloved Pakistan !

May Allah protect you...keep you alive...keep you healthy...happy and give you strength today and always. Ameen.

Happy Birthday....hmm...

Wedding Anniversary

Some questions are very simple yet so strange that when ever you think about it…you feel like loosing yourself…hmm...

On the cool evening of 11 August 2007…all the witnesses...relatives and moulana sahib ushered by my elder sister into my secluded room…and when I being asked for the acceptance of the marriage proposal…I shivered like a dry leaf…hmm...

I thought is there any chance of getting rid of it now…while all my relatives are here…my family has invested a good fortune on the ceremony…my husband to be is sitting outside already accepted and signed the marriage papers…no…than why so much hurdle…pretending…?

I felt a little burden on my shoulder of some kind hand…some one was patting my back and some one far away was making jokes…on my being quite and not at all responding to the moulana sahib’s questions…

I shivered…my hands were like made of stone…I can’t even hold the pen some one put into my hands to sign the papers…(nikkah nama)…and...hmm...

I felt some thing stuck into my right eye...I tried to rub that off and found out that it was a tear I was holding too long in my eye that it dried and became hard…there was a little restlessness in the room because of my being so mute...

I remembered that once I dreamed a dream…wrapped it up into the corner of my heart and thought it is safe there…secured by the feeling that nobody but me knew that it had been dreamed…that dream…which nestled in my heart stayed warm and hopeful.

Sometimes it grew a little brighter...sometimes it felt impossibly small and unlikely.

But it was precious to me and I trusted it above all the other dreams I ever dreamed.

And then came a day I let it go…though I was sure I couldn’t do it…but I survived somehow…letting go is painful yet it take you one step closer to your Maker…and so does I took a step closer to HIM.

Not only did my heart break...but my world stopped...my dreams died and I was left devastated it felt like failure to me!

I heard some where my Maker whispered to me…Wait and See…

That day..letting go of my dream – hurts…the not knowing and the wondering what happens now...felt like a cold wind blowing down on my heart…but in quite and unexpected ways...my Maker took the pieces of my heart and the pieces of the dream I had given away and built something NEW.

Although at first…the nikkah nama…the signature…the ceremony does not make any sense to me…I did it because I don’t have anything else in my life…I was at the dire state of doing anything to bring the change in my life…I was so tired and lonely of my being alone…and so I did sign the papers.

Every one starts congratulating my family…my mother cried…I heard my sisters consoling her…so many people so many voices and I didn’t even try to listen… I was praying…may be I was asking my Maker…what HE has in HIS mind now…I want to know…now what?

And again I heard HIM whispering….DREAM ON…

I’ve dreamed a lot of dreams in the days since...hmm....but I have now learned how to let some of them go.

I’m still learning not to wrap them up in the depths of my heart...but instead to hold them up in my hands to God.

I’m learning to trust Him with all of my dreams.

Life is made for dreaming big dreams. Some of them are meant for holding on to...and some are meant for letting go.

Some dreams are meant for a season...and some are meant to last a lifetime.

So keep dreaming big dreams…but let HIM be the sculptor...the re-disingner of your hopes and your dreams and one day you will realize it is everything it should have been and exactly what you have wanted if you could have known.

Big-M

So there is a new entry in HR life now…hmm...lets say his name is Big-M.

He is suffering from schizophrenia...at first no body exactly knows when Big-M actually get affected honestly no body knows what Schizophrenia is…he was like other teenager boys…

Shy…looking ways to get rid of the family gathering…no heed for the festivals…care free…and always preferred going with friends than with family…hhmm...
....which was not that obstinate but the family was mistaken they let him loose and once he was completely engulfed by the disease and the symptoms were so prominent and clear that could not concealed anymore by family they took him to a psychologists who after few clinical diagnoses declared his fate. 

It is sad though…seeing a very active…young…and smart person…turn into a very big…round and sluggish being…just imagine how happy and contented you feel seeing a child growing into a healthy…smart…active young man….but here the process was reverse and thus the feeling was miserable.

Anyways…he took the proper medication and now 50% to 65% back to normal.

But still he is schizophrenic and still he needs someone close to always have a check on him…he needs someone to tell him all the time what to do…from personal hygiene to medication…he needs always someone to order him.

hmm...here comes HR part...chee...

HR took the liberty and become the ring master…and while she was very afraid what’s going to happen or may be she is not good for this responsibility Allah took charge and now its been almost two months both HR and Big-M are living under one roof and nobody has been abused…injured or even killed yet…good for Big-M.

It is sometimes quite funny actually…because HR normal forgets the order of the Orders and once Big-M is out of bath she orders him to clean the bath room after remembering that she actually forgot the order of the orders she again has to order for another bath….which serves as Big-M’s exercise…and it save him from evening walk…see this is called two bird with one stone..yah…?

Plus…you don’t know how it satisfy your vanity when someone so big is at your disposal all the time….no cross questioning…no NO…no unreasonable reasoning…all you hear is YES (although I am trying so hard that Big-M should include Maa’m with his YES …so all I will be hearing is….YES MAA’M….yes…I am determined…)

hmm....life is very unexpected and full of surprises normally we take it to our heart if things do not turn the way we want them and so HR did…

...but after few days with Big-M…HR thinks that how different they both are…one has no knowledge of this world…who has not a single chance to spend a day alone in this world…who might never use his own decision…and still he say YES with determination…with full confidence that whatever has been ordered to him is for his own good…while HR who knows the way of world very well…who uses her brain…has means to use her brain…and she knows that whatever happens after all it will all become alright at the end she always look for the ways to retreat.

So there is a new person in HR life now and there she learns so many new lessons...one by one I will tell you....no worries...hmm...