The year previous to last year for me Ramzan was scabrous (you may get it by reading ): What I have done
I grumbled a lot…criticizing my busy schedule…and was not
very happy with the people around me who I thought had jointly made a plan
against me so that I can’t submit myself to my lord the way a Muslim should do
in this holy month....hmmm....
But this year…its very different…all my relations are reduce
to shreds…some pass away…some gone abroad…and few who were left…I got rid of
them…by showing utter “couldn’t care less” attitude(though it was very very
hard for me to be like one…nonetheless…I did it ! )…by the arrival of Ramzan I
finally conquered to release myself from everyone…and everything…
So now what???
I should be happy??
That’s what I asked for…Isn’t it?
I should return to my Lord....hmm....My Maker (To HIM be all glory)
with zeal…sincerely…eagerly the way I wanted it…and should not raise my head
from the prayer mat…or should have recited the Quran Shareef after every hour
since I have nothing to do.
Now no one is waiting for me to talk to her….or to listen to
her…no one is here to ask me to take them to market for Eid shopping…no one is
there to ask me to meet up at iftaar…no one is asking me to come to their place
for Sehri…no one…sometimes I in the habit of being surrounded with my loved
ones stopped reciting and listen carefully if someone from distance has announced
my name…someone in need of my company…someone who has finally decided to ask me
out for iftaari…but…there is no one….as I have finally achieved my freedom to
be alone...that is what I wanted…endured for…worked for…and got it.
But now since I have achieved what I wanted why than there
is a pang of remorse in my heart…may be that’s not what I wanted…it seems like
I wanted it…but I didn’t mean it…may be I liked to whine…may be that’s exactly
what I am doing right now…may be this is how I blamed others for me…being
reckless with religious obligations…I used to save myself and accused others…they
were not between me and my Lord…but they were the reason to enhance…to elevate…to
increase my thirst to be with my Lord…??? The more I got busy the more I longed
for HIM….Is it???
May be this is how our Lord has made this world…life…we
should endure every relationship skilfully and should return to Lord whenever
find time…I mean…the best thing about Lord is…you don’t have to explain or give
reasons for not being with HIM…He is the only ONE
who understands !
I hope HE understand what I want now...hmm....
Sometimes what we think is a self-discovery is actually another delusion. The others are to be understood not in isolated mode but as very essential part of us, because the you and me dichotomy is the basis of the hurt that we feel.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean. This is my first Ramadan and it wasn't what I expected. Yes, I did the workshop and read articles but there were things I wasn't prepared for. Thank you for making me feel I am not the only one. May Allah accept all our fasts ameen.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, we are slaves of Allah SWT, so we should act according to HIS commands. Otherwise, we tend to err while mis-using the empowerment He gave us.
ReplyDeleteMay HE help us attain TAQWA in this blessed month.