I am not sad

hmm...so HR awoke each morning with the desire to do right...hmm...

...to be a good and meaningful person....to be....as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was..hmm...happy.

And during the course of each day her heart would descend from her chest into her stomach.

By early afternoon she was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right...or nothing was right for her...and by the desire to be alone.

By evening she was fulfilled:

hmm...alone in the magnitude of her grief...alone in her aimless guilt...alone even in her loneliness.

I am not sad...she would repeat to herself over and over....I am not sad.

As if she might one day convince herself. Or fool herself.

Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad.

I am not sad...hmm....I am not sad.

Because her life had unlimited potential for happiness...insofar as it was an empty white room.

She would fall asleep with her heart at the foot of her bed....like some domesticated animal that was no part of her at all.

And each morning she would wake with it again in the cupboard of her rib cage...having become a little heavier...
a little weaker...
but still pumping.

And by the mid afternoon she was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else..hmm...someone else....someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.

Cage

And when I could not resist more I suddenly ran out to find the fresh air.

The hall was full of beautiful people with elegant features and rosy lips...all were talking in same syllable “mai”..”mai”….”mai” (me…I…myself)....hmm…

...the night was dark due to the dense and heavy clouds or may be the moon for which I came already fell beyond the horizons….”she left early”…one of our colleague announced when he find my eyes wandering….hmm…so he knew that I came for her...only...and it too irritated me.

Out side the hall…on the right corner I saw a man with a small stand selling cigarettes and sweets… …besides that there was a little flock of sheep and goats…hmm…the shepherd was sitting on a pew with the sales man…smoking…

....the ground was swampy due to all day rain and it was impossible to walk on it with heels…

However it took me two or three steps to figure out my balance and than I walked easily towards the flock and smiled because the goats were also busy with their ….”mai…mai…mai”

…oh dear…is there any one to which I can turn tonight?

These elegant features…the so called elites…with so much air of knowledge and who have everything…are the beautiful and elegant cages.

Yes…I know they worked day and night in clubs and jims to build such skeleton...but theses skeletons are beautiful...elegant cage for the heart….the heart which was long dead.

And this cage in which they locked the heart is so air tight that no one...no one can at all smell the death they carry inside their cage.

Have you ever talk to an elegant man or a beautiful woman who has a dead heart inside their skeleton and they will not even allow you to tell them or to point that out to them?

How would you feel?

All the time looking into their eyes...pretending that you are so much impressed by their charming...knowledgeable speech...while inside you feel your own chest bones contracting and releasing at the same time...instantly checking your own heart...your own soul...your own skeleton.

hmm...I said to myself...I might not have a very well built (worked out) and elegant skeleton but at least I have a living heart.....a soul.

As Khalil Jibran said:

“I am the lost human heart, imprisoned in the foul dungeon of man’s dictates, tied with chains of earthly authority, dead and forgotten by laughing humanity whose tongue is tied and whose eyes are empty of visible tears.”

Failure of "1965 Indian Invasion"

September 6th is the day when  43 years ago Hindustan crossed the International Border at Wahga in violation of international law with intention of taking over Lahore.  

A couple of days later, Chawinda tank battle was fought in Sialkot sector. Indian advances were successfully repulsed on all fronts.The country was saved because of descipline, enthusiasm, unity and common goal of National Defence.

All three Security forces including Pak Army, Pak Air Force and Pak Navy were on single page along with the civil society whole-heartedly.

The team work helped the country to emerge as winner.
No matter what Pakistan Survives inspite of anti-State activity by the intruders or criminals from within.

Despite the high number of causalties, loss of civil life and property destruction, the morale was high.

Currently, in view of the ongoing negative scenario created by the hidden hand, the sub standard governance, administrative paralysis, rampant corruption, and the unscheduled power outage for prolonged hours,  the celebration of Defence Day has to be as minimal as possible.

In fact, Pakistan needs to be self desciplined and  be in effective control of course.

Most importantly, among other things - all major national institutions must respect Article 190 of the constituion whereby Army and the Government are bound  to carry out the orders of the Supreme Judiciary.

Now, there is a need of united effort to repulse corruption and foreign sposored terrorism.

Do you wanna partner !

One of my friend who is a single mother and coping without a mate since God knows how many years….asked me the other day if there were times when I would feel that I need a partner or if there were times when I couldn't do things on my own….?

hmm....so to help her gain more confidence as that’s what she wanted to listen basically I shared with her few of the moments…

One fine night…after attending a rather large work event….I was shocked on entering my apartment to find the door- mat 'floating' and the lounge all wet - a combined leakage from the rest room and kitchen!

For about 30 seconds...I just stood….stared at the mess and really wanted to cry.

I was rooted in my position and didn't know what to do.

At that particular moment…hmm....it did occur to me to right away call my beloved husband…instead… I sat down…took a deep breath….reminded myself that I had just led and organized quite a large event attended by over 500 people and I can and will 'SNAP OUT OF THIS' !

Gathered my thoughts…took a deep breath and realized that I actually need a plumber….the building management people to come and check who is the culprit to let his restroom gutter filled and thus the water overflowed in my apartment….and lastly…my sweeper to help me mop the floor !

hmm….to be honest with you guys out there….actually…. 'most men' wouldn't be very useful during those moments as they too would call the plumber and actually…might start to get quite grumpy with the Management people and not help out with the mopping either!

And yes….there was another time when I decided to change a light bulb in my bathroom.

I ended up splitting the bulb into 2 and so...half of the bulb got stucked and I wasn't able to put in the new one (lesson learnt - there are FAKE Philip light bulbs on sale at very reputable stores in Pakistan!!)

The electrician came and helped me undo the tricky situation and after about 25 mins....managed to fix it! ...

His exact words after that were ' Mohtarma...it is our role to help you change light bulb.. in future...please let me do this service for you instead of doing it yourself' ...

Honestly....at that moment….I really wanted to propose to that little guy! (but he seemed like married and I already have my chances being closed…)

So...yes...I do have moments when it would have been nice to have a partner at home - when there's a mini-flood at home....to have someone to text or call when I touch-down after a tiring business trip or to have someone to change light bulbs.

But then again....there's the plumber....the engineer.....the estate management....the office drivers - and they are all polite....service-oriented and help solve most of life's minute problems (without arguing with me!!)...

What I didn’t tell her…that when you are quite busy…(grumpy on your colleagues and about to break a fight with them)… its nice to have someone call you and asked you…”Hi Darling ! didn’t go to the office today so will pick you up…just want to know that would you like me to wear blue or white shirt?”

And when your partner is spending night with his friends…you are alone at home and in the middle of the night when you are fast asleep…he would call you and say…” Hi Darling…please do get some sleep !”

hmmm….and the list goes on…hmm….