Missing You !

Life is so…hmmm…so empty…nowadays…or perhaps…painful…it seems that something has broken my back…

It’s this continuous pain…spontaneous…it emerge from the back run towards the neck and suddenly it strike straight on heart….hmm…

It doesn’t even let me turn around to see…who exactly has triggered it…

I only bend down again….take my pen to write something…

Until one month ago I might have taken my pen in hand to write something humorous with the confident air of a…woman…a human…who had a strong back.

I was happy…confident…and was very very naughty…hmm…

But that time is past.

Such claim of being…happy…confident…naughty…humorous…as I had has been taken from me.

In fact I am standing…somewhat…like unmasked…or perhaps…unveiled.

Perhaps....this is my true face...ugly...tearful...sad...?

Now I know….how it is to live alone…to be alone out there…in this world…where you may not find friendliness in every human you meet…

And where you are trying hard not to talk about what you have suffered but whenever you open your mouth something on the subject came out….and you feel weakness…tears….and lots of pain.

What left now within me is just my continuous writings…

I am writing a lot nowadays but does this writing makes any sense….or even does anyone care?

What is there...after all in this writing now but a rather ingenious mixture of hyperbole and myosis?

How this sadness…this hollowness…this pain stumbled upon my writings secretly, I do not know.

Does...this has to do with loosing a loved one? Or am I over reacting?

hmmm.....

What's next ?

Life might not be easy...hmmm....

It might not be as exciting as we wish.

It might feel like its one big thing after the other and the big things feel so important that they are all we think we can see.

hmm…if you are in a helicopter and flying in the air and is passing by a forest it is hard to see a particular tree from the top.

All the trees look same....in fact making only one impression…that…there is a forest.

But forest aren’t made of single tree or even only big trees…life isn’t made of only sadness…unhappiness….disappointments…honestly...there are other things in life which make it a life…like…decisions…challenges…changes…hopes…dreams…opportunities.

And a lot of nitty gritty of day to day life...hmm....

All this nitty gritty of day to day life is also very important....they are often things that apparently shape the course of life.

There are things we’ll look back on and remember....perhaps always.

As I read…big things are like milestones....but behind every big thing is a myriad of little things that matter.

Little things are scattered in every day in form of those little victories of the heart that are fought and won.

It’s the quite moments when we stop to ‘be still and know HIM…acknowledge HIM…pray HIM…cry only in front of HIM…bow at HIM…’ the Creator, the Maker, the One who makes no mistakes.

And in return it’s the PEACE that HE gives you when everything around you looks like it’s falling apart and you stop to feel the wind on your face again and finding the courage to get up again when you’ve been knocked flat by circumstances again and again…how many times…?

hmm....

Ten times…hundredth times…thousandth times…no matter…how many times…what matter is…PEACE… HOPE…COURAGE…and…LIFE….after every fall you felt within you.

Thus this nitty gritty of everyday life calm you…soothe you…and take you to your next big thing…

hmm…what’s next ?

Reality

Reality is that which refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.

There are people so vivid in life that they seem not to disappear even when they die...

And for all these days I found myself having to come about and force myself to encounter the fact that my mother died...hmm

I realized that I still...even NOW

Expected to meet her once more…when I went to her house…sometime when I ring on her cell (which is taken care by my elder sister who is still in Pakistan) and want to talk sensibly about all the foolishness I have done during her funeral…

I want to give her explanations about my doings and my not-doings on her funeral...hmmm.....

I want to share the list of guests…we had…the calls I received (for condolences) and also how I managed to let her go….on her funeral.

All…the minor details I had been through- in which case she would probably have laughed…scold or make angry faces to me….or may be just pat my back.

When a relative called asking me if I would be having a gathering on her CHALISWAN (40th day of death) the idea was outlandish and stunned as I was…

I answered without thinking...” I have to first discuss the plan with my Ammi”.

I could hear his astonishment....but I could only hang up it was beyond explaining....

Yes...I am missing her so much.