Sunday, December 4, 2011


" There are no walls around me...hmmm"

I wrote it in my diary first day after my marriage.

It took me only few days to realize that now there are other kind of walls...mainly invisible walls.

Only I need to learn about their presence....respect their sovereignty...abide by their rules...

I could not neglect them....trespass them...I could not disregard them.

This meant not only learning their(my In-Laws) life style but also mastering the verbal and non-verbal codes of interaction....the styles of communication.

Many times unaware of these walls I asked the 'wrong' question....
volunteered an unappropriated answer...
looked too closely when I suppose not to 'see'...
listened too intently when I was assumed not to 'hear'...hmmm....

Heaven knows how often I talked when I should have kept silent and how frequently I should have talked but remained mute ...producing nothing but silence...long... embarrassing silence.

And thus I stumble over these many times...and my stumbling always open my eyes....and it hurts.

For so many times I felt outside the circle...out of place...dislocated...dislodged.

I felt suspended....between my past and my present...hmm..

Different cultural experiences...values...dreams...nightmares...has caused a disturbing disruption in my identity....

I lived surrounded by a past that was breaking up around me with violent rapidity.

I looked every way around me for a sense of familiarity...of belonging and reunion...

I want something solid to hold on to...and thus I stopped running in two directions at once...

I tried to learn the new ways...get myself familiarized with preset...

In these years...I have finally master how to negotiate the walls...

In short...I again...hmm...have surrendered my Freedom.

Why should I stop, why?
The birds have gone off to find water ways
the horizon is vertical and moving is rocketing.
Shining planets spin
at the edge of sight.
Why should I stop, why?


  1. The compromise of women's life is giving up their freedom, as far as I have observed :$

  2. No doubt, there is a turning point in life of a woman; some call it a blessing, some think it's a lifelong imprisonment. Reality is it's a new phase of life, where procreation of children is intended by the Creator Almighty, and in following HIS command naturally there are some pros and cons for the new member of husband’s family . Adjustment is the only option.
    On the other hand, LIFE itself is a prison for pious people (momineen or mominaat).
    But the problem lies in the “abusive family system” where almost each mother in law becomes a victim or an abuser – and of course, the other way round, when the same woman was a daughter in law and she was a victim too of the susrali abuse.
    Every woman goes through this unpleasant experience where there is a dead end street from where-- only dead body is allowed to leave.
    However with time changing, a paradigm shift is taking over.

  3. Thinking,

    Caught up with pending posts. There are very few persons like Waheed Murad who have vision to make what is important. The situations you narrated will make it difficult for anyone to CHILL. I admire women for their commendable efforts to adjust in new environments as before marriage they are a pampered lot in parents house but after marriage they have to shoulder so many responsibilities. I always advocate that in laws must give all support to newly married bride to understand ways and customs so she can settle down happily. Husband has a very important role to play in this. I am sure by now you must have made your mark in new family.

    Take care

  4. hi =)) i hope you are doing well. Do you really call it surrendering your freedom ? or learning another aspect of dealing? my friend is married and is in London also she obeys a lot of things in marriage; recently she visited Pakistan and i found a change in her as she has become more vocal more compromising in dealings and in language; more confident nevertheless =)

    take care

  5. This is a typical problem in our part of the world, where life is lived generally as stereotypes; but the times are, thankfully, changing. With both husband and wife pursuing their career, and with the coming of Corporate culture, the nuclear family is fast becoming the norm, with its advantages outweighing its disadvantages. I'm sure that with time, it will not be only the woman who'll have to adjust, but mutual adjustment and freedom will enter into the marital relationship, as it should.

  6. Dear Hajra:

    Your deepest feelings and inner voice longing for freedom count - matter - need to be heard and cared for with compassion. I sense that at least here you have friends who care.

    Maybe there is one person in the inlaw family with whom you can ally and be known each to the other...if so...nourish this one very deeply.

    Sometimes we have to RE-MARRY our husbands emotionally/spiritually...and to do so is sometimes so painful...but if not the most important bond of our lives cannot do it's work of making our lives safer - emotionally/spiritually. There is NO way I can survive without these every now and then Re-Marraige by intimate talk which is done in small bits where needed and humor and on paper by both to be better heard sometimes.

    You have to REQUIRE that your husband support YOU first of all with his family. That is one of his MAJOR duties...sometimes this takes lots of patience...but he will see and respect you in time.

    Your freedom and well-being is NECESSARY for you to live and blossom.

    I want this for you with all my heart.

  7. its amazing how every single word perfectly relates to what i wanted to put into my writings, but somehow never could....maybe bcz i also did surrender, leaving every part of me, every part of my past behind, trying to live in the present....

    beautifully written as always...
    much love

  8. I had another tho't, Thinking, from a wise friend...what about finding your own personal "context" of "home" within which you will ALWAYS be "at home and unruffled" no matter what?

    No one in your life has the right to take that away.

    I have struggle with your same themes as I'm sure many who read your writings have...just like ZEE...there are ways in which you can fee free and matter what you do or don't do on the outside...

    Be in touch...I have much to say which can't go here. :)

  9. whole post rhyme well,thoughtful:)

  10. a spouse should understand the value of his wife, only then true contentment follows:)
    hmmm, these guys, they NEVER learn

  11. i can understand how it feel to get settled into an entirely new environment where every one else expect only modesty from you....but its not like surrendering ourselves, i am sure with time you will start feeling comfortable there with all those new relations.......