I am bad !

And once HR wrote somewhere in her diary:

My world is old…surprisingly old…achingly old…beautifully old...hmm....

They say that when its 8 am of a morning…it is still 1938 with me…and they – whoever “they” might be in this case…are right.

Among the latest gadgets and iPhones…and what not…HR is still living in 1940…and once you meet HR you will wonder whether she is real or is she a character came to meet you from a World War II movie.

You loath to see her…whenever you see her emerging out of rickshaw and crossing the road with small and decided steps you take a deep breath to get ready for some old drama…

...hmm...you looked around and think you are the only thwarted and most unlucky one to have her…why not you get someone better…someone to give you hope for future…someone to please you…but no…sometimes life is very unfair…and that is how life is treating you this time now…isn’t it?

What HR wants to say to you is that…she is really sorry...but its not her fault…she is entrapped in her books…you see she is very bookish…she seldom smile…she rarely laugh…and more over she will never ever say any thing without counting to 10.

And she knows that she is the most difficult person to be with…she don’t expect you to like her…since HR knows she held way up a position and you with your little tiny brain can not even grasp what her tendency is…

...so as you are bound to spend few more Saturdays with HR…hmm...she would humbly and sincerely suggest you to... BEAT IT !

Practical Demonstration

I met Uncle K after so many years…that was fun…he throw a party for all the relatives and I am now as he said left by family alone here I has to join.

As usual…hmm...when you meet after very long time any of your friend or acquaintances you think or try to remember all the good time you have spent with that person…for Uncle K…my brain got a little bit of memory…not much.

A two or thrice meeting in his grand house…his old mother’s ranting about good old time…and him at that time a young man shying away from ladies.

However, why I kept his memory is because…Uncle K has his ways to tell you about something…he will do it practically so that you can understand him without him using words and at the end he will tell you that exactly like this it happened…he is not good with words…hmm...once he was telling me that how a certain person scold him and punch him and without waiting further ado he tried to punch me on face…on my protest he said…but I am only demonstrating its not like I will going to punch you actually…but by that time I knew that Uncle K has his own way of DEMONSTRATION…he will always do it practically. 

One day he was driving me to school and there were four other children of same school whom we picked going along the same road…I was in front…suddenly he started talking about how a bad driver his mother is and to demonstrate – “ Whenever a huge big truck or a trolley like that one…(we all saw that one water tanker was on its way towards us…) coming loomed into sight it would take mother infinite time to spot it, ‘ cause she can’t see…are you following what I am saying here…she can’t see.”
He rubbed his eyes furiously to show me, “And I ‘d say, “Whoop look out mama, a truck.” And she’d say “Enn? What’s that you say baita?”, “Truck..! Truck…!” and at the very last moment she would go right up to the truck like this .” and Uncle K hurled the car at the truck roaring our way, wobbled and hovered in front of it a moment, the truck driver’s face growing gray before our eyes, the children in the back seat subsiding in gasps of horror...hmm....swung away at the last moment. “Like that, you see exactly like that, how bad she was.”

I can’t say that I was afraid…but I was kind a speechless…in fact I was thinking what he would do if I ever complain so this little incident got stamped on my brain and seeing him after so long it came back to me…I smiled and asked him do he have the international driving license for which he replied sarcastically that he has none...well what shall I say…lucky Ontarians.

At that moment....

And that moment when HR was deeply engrossed in a conversation with a plumber telling him all about what and how she wants him to work in her kitchen while suddenly....
...her nearby neighbors start playing an Indian song...."Doori...Doori na rahay koi....Ajj itnay qareeb ao..." (Come so close today that there will be no space between us...hmm...pardon for my translation...)....

....and exactly at that moment...
hmm....what shall I say....that's embarrassing...hunh !

Ligitimate Rejection

All of us can detect...identify...acknowledge it as soon as it happens to us...we may have faced it periods of time...hmm...
.....but not even for a single instance we think of it legal...proper or sensible....we may feel indifference...annoyance....mild anger...but never accept it as deserving...

All of us knows what it feels like to be disliked...rejected...abandoned... and most of the time it hurts...

Hurts because we are being hated for things we have no control over or being hated for the things we cannot change or the things we didn’t even have done...hmm....

So the best remedy to get rid of this or to deflect this HURT is to believe that the dislike or hatred is unjustified – you didn't deserve that...hmm....

You start ranting endlessly about it to all your closed friends and family members whom you feel comfortable to talk and they help you...help you built the wall against the hatred or to protect your self-esteem...ego...character...help you justify yourself to yourself and keeps you remember that this is a part of all human life....helps you move on...grow beyond it.

But not all of us are such lucky one...may be one of us is not confident enough to think oneself undeserving of this illegitimate hatred...may be one of us don't have such confidants to help one grow beyond unjustified rejection...and thus this powerful self-loathing may turn oneself into a dangerous...violent...brutal person.

....sometimes this unjustified hatred...rejection...make oneself surrender one’s identity...

The character completely melts into the persona which lacks ego...self respect and self-esteem.

There are some who collapse...hmm....silently...anonymously....with no voice to express or acknowledge it.

Have you ever felt it?

(Took inspiration from Toni Morrison...novel - The Bluest Eye )

"Kun! Fayakoon" 'Be! and it becomes'

Whenever He (Allah) intends a thing, He needs only to say: "Be (Kun)," and it is (fayakoon).
[ Yaasin - 36:82]

And it s near...so near that it is very hard to concentrate on anything else.

I am trying my best to keep calm but failing...heart wander and take me to it again and again...

I don’t want to talk about it...just keeping that in mind want to be happy and to keep waiting...as I have been doing so long...its like all my life I have been waiting...waiting for this...moment to come...

And some voice deep inside the heart keep calling....

Behold...its near...

Freedom...freedom is here...freedom is about to fall into your hands...or I will be falling into the hands of freedom...such excitement...such thrill...such suspense...

So many times I have failed...that failure has become part of my personality...I can even brag about it...I have somehow perfected myself in failing...overloaded myself...sometimes wished feebly that this weight is enough to drag me down into the ocean and end it all...

This time its different...this time it is for real...this time I can feel it...its near...

Freedom is near...I have already flapped my wings restlessly...can’t hold the anxiety...although I know I can’t dive right now....few more days...months...but its certain that soon the time will come... the time ...the time for my Lord to say...Kun...and I will take my final flight...

I will never stalled my flight...
I will never stop flapping my wings...
I will fly up and up and up...
I will never look back...no...
My time will finally arrive...KUN for me...setting me free...and behold..here I am coming...free...hmm...