A full bite

Today I visited with my beloved husband ... A Dentist !

After little check up (which is for beloved husband) both of us with Dentist went to his office..
hmm....it was a nice scene behind his office chair..I saw it with aww....

He had decorated all kind of teeth with gums (which must be plastic made . . . I mean not original ) on the wall with caption and sizes printed in small white plates beneath every set.

I tried to take a selfie but seeing that my beloved husband after having removed his tooth ....not in the least mood of showing any enthusiasm to the dentist I kept the notion with me and move a bit away from the gentlemen talking about what to do next and how to prevent remaining teeth....

Suddenly a thought came into my little brain...
hmm....at a certain age....not all but most of us will loose their teeth one by one....(exception is with those who'll die very young) and its a sad fact.

Then I realized that all my life I have led a toothless life....its like I lost my teeth at very young age... I always keep myself aloof....watching and observing other people's moods and views...

A toothless life....how absurd....

I have never bitten into anything....I was waiting....kept myself clean....always reserved and patient....

I was reserving myself for later on . . . and thats what I will keep doing in future...and may be one day suddenly I will realize that all my teeth have gone...in waiting....and in vain....

Whats to be done ?

Isn't this unfair ?

Thus I made up my mind....I...HR....went back to the gentlemen who were by now standing by the side of the office table and was talking continuously about the same thing....politics....

I asked Mr Dentist to come out of his sphere and while he did ...I went behind the office table and with a nice smile displaying all my front teeth....having wall of teeth behind me....took a SELFIE.

I wouldn't mind if both of the gentlemen consider me foolish....at least I will remember this day that on this one occasion I used my teeth ...hmm....and took a full bite.

Disease

As I was trying to cross a busy road today I saw few old men hand in hand also waiting by the curb to cross together.

Although they were together laughing and smiling making small jokes on each other but I felt that actually they were very very uneasy.

I could see that in their worn out faces and deep milky eyes like they…one to all…. were missing something….

What was that?

What is actually they were missing at that moment…a stick….an umbrella…or….what else?

Freedom?

Freedom to be alone…to have one’s own space…freedom of being not under any obligation…but this is not what they want….now…they like to be with people…young or not young all the same….they now like to be loved…cared…hugged….they don’t want to be free anymore.

In my present age …I can give up human beings very easily …. I think I can and actually I did get rid of few of the very bad relationships…. calmly.

It never occurred to me that one day I might start missing all those forgotten or thrown away people.

I might remember every detail …I might feel guilty of being so cruel…. I might see myself alone and would never find anyone to love…care or hug me.

One day I shall also with my frail body and all the time forgetting mind find myself alone by the curb and would not remember that either I am to cross the road or already have done that….

I might also miss something or someone but will not be able to name it.

Right now…I like to be alone….all by myself….alone in the house…alone by the road…shopping…reading….routine work…all alone….but….would I feel the same when I get old?

OLD ? Am I not already old ?

I really don’t want to be an old hag….

I really dont want to feel sorry for the choices I made.

I really do...want to die before this Freedom of mine becomes my slavery.

*
The source of my suffering and loneliness is deep in my heart.
This is a disease no doctor can cure.
Only Union with the Friend can cure it.

 *
Rabi´a al-Adawiyya, translation by Andrew Harvey and Eryk Hanut – ‘Perfume of the Desert’

Free Man's Worship

*

This is the reason why the PAST has such magical power. The beauty of its motionless and silent pictures is like the enchanted purity of late autumn, when the leaves, through on breath would make them fall, still glow against the sky in golden glory.
The Past does not change or strive; like Duncan, after life's fitful fever it sleeps well, what was eager and grasping, what was petty and transitory, has faded away, the things that were beautiful and eternal shine out of it like stars in the night.
Its beauty to a soul not worthy of it, is unendurable; but to a soul which has conquered Fate, it is the key of religion.  

*
To every man comes, sooner or later, the great renunciation. For the young, there is nothing unattainable; a good thing desired with the whole force of a passionate will, and yet impossible, is to them not credible.
Yet, by death, by illness, by poverty, or by the voice of duty, we must learn, each one of us, that the whole world was not made for us, and that, whoever beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them.
It is the part of courage, when misfortune comes, to bear without repining the ruin of our hopes, to turn away our thoughts from vain regrets.
This degree of submission to Power is not only just and right: it is the very gate of wisdom.

A Free Man's Worship,
Bertrand Russell.

Age of Reason

I must be free:
I must be self – impelled, and able to say:
“ I am, because I will: I am my own beginning. “

He has waited so long: his later years had been no more than a stand-to.
Oppressed with countless little daily cares, he had waited: of course he had run after girls all that time, he had traveled, and naturally he had had to earn his living.
But through all that, his sole care had been to hold himself in readiness.
For an act. A free, considered act; that should pledge his whole life, and stand at the beginning of a new existence.
He had never been able to engage himself completely in any love-affair, or any pleasure, he had never been really unhappy: he always felt though he was somewhere else, that he was not yet wholly born.
He waited.
And during all that time, gently, stealthily, the years had come, they had grasped him from behind: thirty four of them.
He ought to have taken his decision at twenty-five.
Yes, but at that age one doesn’t decide with proper motivation.
One is liable to be fooled: and he didn’t want to act in that way.
He thought of going to Russia, of dropping his studies, of learning a manual trade.
But what had restrained him each time on the brink of such violent break, was that he had no reasons for acting thus.
Without reasons, such acts would have been mere impulses.
And so . . . he continued to wait . . .

(Jean –Paul Sartre ~ The Age of Reason)

Out Cast

I always feels out cast in between my fellow beings here….it’s not that I never tried to mingle or try to understand ….absorb the norms of this society but seriously it is way too hard to grab….perhaps I am not that intelligent…hmmm….
For example….a simple thing of saying NO…here whatever you say or do…people would not say NO….instead they will keep you tangled between YES and NO…
You hire a plumber and will ask him if he can do this work or not….even he can’t do such heavy or technical work he would keep assuring you that he is the best person who can do such stuff and once he started he will make all the excuses of being sick or busy in home…or even would kill some of his relatives….mostly their Grandmother…(so here grandmothers have a very important role…they die for you to save you from your over rated claims)…and things will turn out like….sorry Baji jee I can’t come today since my grandmother is very sick….after two days he will call you again and will break the news of his grandmother sad departure from world…leaving you with no choice but to hire another plumber and believe me you…this is not the end… after some days he will show up and with sad rant would make you feel guilty of not letting him do the work .
Other example is when you hire a cab or a rickshaw….you will ask the driver if he knows the way to your destination he will right away bang his head in affirmation….but by the corner of the street he will start complaining that either he don’t know what the place you are going to or will give you lots of same name of different place...hmm.... once you reach there he will ask for more (which means fare) since you didn’t tell him exactly this place and that’s your fault to pay more.
hmm...the above examples are of those who are not directly related to your life so you can forget about them as soon as you get rid of them…but this way of being not able to say NO is a common trait here….even in sensible….parhay likhay log can do the same and the most funny thing is if you try to mention it to them or dare enough to point it out….they will roll their eyes in wonderment putting you in the situation of actually ridiculed your own self.
If someday you ask any of your relative….friends or any other close acquaintances to find out something for you…they will laterally brag about being able to do the job very easily but once you start relying on them they will start making excuses…like…busy in office….late at work…sick…whatever they can to make you believe that its only your bad luck that it happens to them otherwise you would have your required work done by this time.
I..hmm...personally sometimes feel that may be people here trying not to hurt other’s feeling but then I think that by not been able to do or fulfill one’s wishes …is it not more hurting to the one at the end?
Why not you honestly ask yourself for once and commit yourself to it…?
Where is that “honesty is the best policy”, thing goes…?
Why not say the NO word right away and save the other one from oblivion of waiting?
...hmm….anyways….that’s the latest RANT from me guys…until next….take care.

Meanwhile… I can say NO very well… if you going to ask me a favor and if I don’t feel like doing it…..believe me….you will hear right away a big NOOOO from my mouth….try me !

I am bad !

And once HR wrote somewhere in her diary:

My world is old…surprisingly old…achingly old…beautifully old...hmm....

They say that when its 8 am of a morning…it is still 1938 with me…and they – whoever “they” might be in this case…are right.

Among the latest gadgets and iPhones…and what not…HR is still living in 1940…and once you meet HR you will wonder whether she is real or is she a character came to meet you from a World War II movie.

You loath to see her…whenever you see her emerging out of rickshaw and crossing the road with small and decided steps you take a deep breath to get ready for some old drama…

...hmm...you looked around and think you are the only thwarted and most unlucky one to have her…why not you get someone better…someone to give you hope for future…someone to please you…but no…sometimes life is very unfair…and that is how life is treating you this time now…isn’t it?

What HR wants to say to you is that…she is really sorry...but its not her fault…she is entrapped in her books…you see she is very bookish…she seldom smile…she rarely laugh…and more over she will never ever say any thing without counting to 10.

And she knows that she is the most difficult person to be with…she don’t expect you to like her…since HR knows she held way up a position and you with your little tiny brain can not even grasp what her tendency is…

...so as you are bound to spend few more Saturdays with HR…hmm...she would humbly and sincerely suggest you to... BEAT IT !

Practical Demonstration

I met Uncle K after so many years…that was fun…he throw a party for all the relatives and I am now as he said left by family alone here I has to join.

As usual…hmm...when you meet after very long time any of your friend or acquaintances you think or try to remember all the good time you have spent with that person…for Uncle K…my brain got a little bit of memory…not much.

A two or thrice meeting in his grand house…his old mother’s ranting about good old time…and him at that time a young man shying away from ladies.

However, why I kept his memory is because…Uncle K has his ways to tell you about something…he will do it practically so that you can understand him without him using words and at the end he will tell you that exactly like this it happened…he is not good with words…hmm...once he was telling me that how a certain person scold him and punch him and without waiting further ado he tried to punch me on face…on my protest he said…but I am only demonstrating its not like I will going to punch you actually…but by that time I knew that Uncle K has his own way of DEMONSTRATION…he will always do it practically. 

One day he was driving me to school and there were four other children of same school whom we picked going along the same road…I was in front…suddenly he started talking about how a bad driver his mother is and to demonstrate – “ Whenever a huge big truck or a trolley like that one…(we all saw that one water tanker was on its way towards us…) coming loomed into sight it would take mother infinite time to spot it, ‘ cause she can’t see…are you following what I am saying here…she can’t see.”
He rubbed his eyes furiously to show me, “And I ‘d say, “Whoop look out mama, a truck.” And she’d say “Enn? What’s that you say baita?”, “Truck..! Truck…!” and at the very last moment she would go right up to the truck like this .” and Uncle K hurled the car at the truck roaring our way, wobbled and hovered in front of it a moment, the truck driver’s face growing gray before our eyes, the children in the back seat subsiding in gasps of horror...hmm....swung away at the last moment. “Like that, you see exactly like that, how bad she was.”

I can’t say that I was afraid…but I was kind a speechless…in fact I was thinking what he would do if I ever complain so this little incident got stamped on my brain and seeing him after so long it came back to me…I smiled and asked him do he have the international driving license for which he replied sarcastically that he has none...well what shall I say…lucky Ontarians.

At that moment....

And that moment when HR was deeply engrossed in a conversation with a plumber telling him all about what and how she wants him to work in her kitchen while suddenly....
...her nearby neighbors start playing an Indian song...."Doori...Doori na rahay koi....Ajj itnay qareeb ao..." (Come so close today that there will be no space between us...hmm...pardon for my translation...)....

....and exactly at that moment...
hmm....what shall I say....that's embarrassing...hunh !

Ligitimate Rejection

All of us can detect...identify...acknowledge it as soon as it happens to us...we may have faced it periods of time...hmm...
.....but not even for a single instance we think of it legal...proper or sensible....we may feel indifference...annoyance....mild anger...but never accept it as deserving...

All of us knows what it feels like to be disliked...rejected...abandoned... and most of the time it hurts...

Hurts because we are being hated for things we have no control over or being hated for the things we cannot change or the things we didn’t even have done...hmm....

So the best remedy to get rid of this or to deflect this HURT is to believe that the dislike or hatred is unjustified – you didn't deserve that...hmm....

You start ranting endlessly about it to all your closed friends and family members whom you feel comfortable to talk and they help you...help you built the wall against the hatred or to protect your self-esteem...ego...character...help you justify yourself to yourself and keeps you remember that this is a part of all human life....helps you move on...grow beyond it.

But not all of us are such lucky one...may be one of us is not confident enough to think oneself undeserving of this illegitimate hatred...may be one of us don't have such confidants to help one grow beyond unjustified rejection...and thus this powerful self-loathing may turn oneself into a dangerous...violent...brutal person.

....sometimes this unjustified hatred...rejection...make oneself surrender one’s identity...

The character completely melts into the persona which lacks ego...self respect and self-esteem.

There are some who collapse...hmm....silently...anonymously....with no voice to express or acknowledge it.

Have you ever felt it?

(Took inspiration from Toni Morrison...novel - The Bluest Eye )

"Kun! Fayakoon" 'Be! and it becomes'

Whenever He (Allah) intends a thing, He needs only to say: "Be (Kun)," and it is (fayakoon).
[ Yaasin - 36:82]

And it s near...so near that it is very hard to concentrate on anything else.

I am trying my best to keep calm but failing...heart wander and take me to it again and again...

I don’t want to talk about it...just keeping that in mind want to be happy and to keep waiting...as I have been doing so long...its like all my life I have been waiting...waiting for this...moment to come...

And some voice deep inside the heart keep calling....

Behold...its near...

Freedom...freedom is here...freedom is about to fall into your hands...or I will be falling into the hands of freedom...such excitement...such thrill...such suspense...

So many times I have failed...that failure has become part of my personality...I can even brag about it...I have somehow perfected myself in failing...overloaded myself...sometimes wished feebly that this weight is enough to drag me down into the ocean and end it all...

This time its different...this time it is for real...this time I can feel it...its near...

Freedom is near...I have already flapped my wings restlessly...can’t hold the anxiety...although I know I can’t dive right now....few more days...months...but its certain that soon the time will come... the time ...the time for my Lord to say...Kun...and I will take my final flight...

I will never stalled my flight...
I will never stop flapping my wings...
I will fly up and up and up...
I will never look back...no...
My time will finally arrive...KUN for me...setting me free...and behold..here I am coming...free...hmm...

Beloved

There is a saying that we meet everyone with certain reason...unknown to us.

The reason we sometimes can’t figure out since the person we met...lost before we understand the reason behind our meeting than instead of figuring out the reason of meeting we started our reasoning on losing each other...sometimes we only understand the reason of someone coming into our life when we lose them and no matter how hardly try...can’t figure out why we lost them.

Sometimes it’s useless thinking about the reason of losing someone if that person is already gone and you are sure that there is no other way you may get the lost one back...which is only when the lost one is dead...so than you are free...free to ponder on the meeting..losing...reasons...a good past time...a good way to remember....but in case the lost one is still alive...breathing somewhere...it is advisable to keep a decent distance and keep your mouth shut...because as soon as that person come near again you will...as if you have no WILL...will start falling for that one once again....which is very embarrassing as if you are such a lousy failure that all this time you done nothing but tried to overcome the distance between lost one and yourself.

Is this what you think that I have been doing all these years when you deject yourself from me?

Partly it is YES...yes I have been thinking about you a lot...there were time when I forget you completely but soon after a bit of time the remembrance came back...bouncing...with the exact reaction force with which I have pushed that away...hit me...touched me...lowered me...humbled me.

Only now I don’t think about the reason of finding...loosing....finding...it became like a circle...always ends up at the beginning...

I want to weigh our relationship...in terms of worthiness...does our being together worth anything...does our loosing each other brought any happiness to both sides...does re-uniting will bring any change...confidence...happiness...does our relationship worth anything in our world?

For me...it does...I valued you... and will...keep valuing you....Don’t know about YOU.

The beloved you've lost 

but you’ve chained me down 

stolen away my heart 

leaving yourself behind 

now I have lost my way 

my soul restless 

and head twisted 

all because of those secrets 

you once whispered 

I only must keep

fasting my heart 

to set me free 

from sleepless nights 

since your only advice 

when you saw me in flame 

was to keep burning 

with you or with your thoughts 

words of wisdom 

came to me at last 

“the beloved you’ve lost 

the one you’ve been seeking outside 

can only be found inside” 

– Ghazal 2582, from the Diwan-e Shams 

Translation by Nader Khalili 

“Rumi, Fountain of Fire” 

Cal-Earth Press, 1995

Fairy GodMother

Dear Blog...I have news...hmm...

I had a colleague...although working on higher position since she and I used the same Office Van we often got chance to talk to each other except those were only few remarks on weather and other petty things in office...not more than that because she lived so near the Office that she was always the first one to drop and last one pick so we hardly got few minutes together more hardly to engage each other in conversation due to the continuous loud music in the back ground emitting through the Office Van’s speaker which were exactly placed on our heads...that is the Van’s Middle Roof...

As the story goes, once she read one of my article in my Facebook notes and wrote a comment in praise...the problem with me as usual is don’t know how to take the praise...and more worst is that how to reply those praising remarks so although she wrote it few hours ago and must have forgotten all about that I reading it at once blushed and for few minutes do not know what to say...and thus as I couldn’t come up with a better reply so I let her remark unanswered...hmm....

As I lost the job and lost my house and inevitably my dream came true as an old HAG in RAGS...I lost her contact too.

Few days ago I was just roaming in my Hotmail account since I forgot its password and it took fifteen days for the Microsoft to confirm every details about me to provide me the new password...

I saw her email...she asked me write something as I used to write during my Office days...at first I thought what the hack let the email gone by wind and if we ever meet again (which I strongly believe not possible)...

I would tell her that I lost that email account...but then suddenly my flare flickered itself so hard that I had to obey... I wrote few articles and send her...she asked for my number too which I sent with the article after few hours she replied on my phone that she has selected one of the article and it will be published in August Issue...hmm...

Now...the epic scene arrived in the story...she for the first time revealed herself (which is like in Cinderella movies the Fairy godmother suddenly reveals her true identity by magic leaving Cinderella dumbfounded for good five minutes to overcome her joy...surprise...the amazement...so on and so forth...)she told me that after leaving the previous job in which I used to be her colleague she joined this highly ranked English Magazine as an Editor In-Chief and she has selected one of my article to be published in August Issue...no wonder it dumbfounded me...

...and I don’t know what to say in return as usual...I tried to humble myself wrote back with lots of thank you...and stuff like that but I don’t think that these would compensate the favour she is doing to me....

Whenever I think of it...it feels so romantic...someone read you in your old days come back with that memory and suddenly give the chance of your life...you were waiting whole your life...although one article would not lead me to the NOBEL as was my determination but at least I would not remain the unpublished one too...yah? Something is better than nothing.

Time to time this strange feeling also creeps into my heart that may be she was just making fun of me and in August I will be searching desperately her Magazine in vain (which is so expensive I can buy few books with the same amount) I would find nothing and she would be sitting somewhere with her friends making jokes about how she managed to take fool out of me...but next instance I get rid of this awful feeling...as she told me that I will get the August issue for free...so my fears are just my fears nothing more...

She is definitely one of those wonderful miracle makers God thrown in between our hard and rough ways to fall for HIM all over again and I am sure I DID....only....August is so far away...hmm...

Exchange

As it always happens to me ...time to time....I get this feeling that I have wasted enough of my life and so far has not read the enough books...hmm...which got me freaked out and I closing all the doors to the social world (unless it is necessary) start reading the books...

I don’t know but I always feel like in debt to all the good books out there and thinks it is my duty to read them...somewhere someone written a very nice...informative...sensitive and creative book and I am just roaming around not even a single second thinking about what actually I am missing...for me...this is very very very...bad.

As a child I used to calculate...hmm...I used to make the calculations in my diary about the books I would have read by the certain age I reached...my calculation was very simple...for me one week is more than enough to finish a book...adding...everyday routine as three time meals...one time shower...one hour with mum...and one hour for my pets seems like a good plan to me...

I can even make notes...can feel the passion...and can move on for the next one...and if one week is enough than it makes almost 50 books per year...and if I somehow would manage to read all these books a year depending on searching...finding and finally having them beforehand ....lots of lots of books I should have read by the age I am...but...nope...as I said I have wasted lot of time...causes were sometimes created by my own...and sometimes as the Air Plane Tickets disclaimer says...” Works of God”...

Does this sound irrational? Do you think I am exaggerating?

Consider yourself during a hectic day...phone ringing every second...pile of files lying on your desk so high that hides you behind them ...searching something desperately on the Google as your next meeting is in few minutes and you are the one leading it...and suddenly you looked up and saw a calendar hanging just in front of you and this calendar containing the current month scattered throughout the half page and the upper half page got this very enchanting scenery of some distant ...out of reach...dreamy place or park and even though you should not be thinking anything else...you feel the numbness towards everything scattered around you and so wanted to be there....yes...in that dreamy...enchanted...lonely place...at that exact point...if you will be asked I am sure you will readily exchange your place...from here to that dreamy...soothing...gentle place...

hmm....See...?

That is exactly how I feels...the longing for the books...to read every master piece...to read contemporary at the same time the classics...to be able to remember them...to be able to talk about them...to be able to live with them...this is for me...my exchange from this social world to that wonderful world of books....

The difference is...hmm....you may not exchange your place (unless you have some witch on broom as your friend who would happily give you a favour)....but I can...chee...

I can exchange my social world to that world of books...and so right now I am writing this from that book world of mine...hope all is well with you.

Forgiven !

Chin in my hands I kept brooding over recent incidents...I really wanted to go out have some ice cream and be cooled...at least for a while...instead....cemented on the chair...kept thinking....hmm...

You can forgive every other person in this world...the thief who stole your purse...the milkman who charged you more... plumber cheated you on kitchen’s basin...drivers high jacked your car park...neighbourhood children putting elfi in your door lock.... if someday any of them turn to you miserable...and ask for your forgiveness...what you going to do..hmm...?

You will simply smile no matter how you really wanted to slap the person you will emit the words..like...
okay okay no big deal...
dont feel bad...I either...
sorry I don’t even remember that...

hmm...thats what you gonna say embarrassed enough to get rid of the situation as soon as possible as if you are the one confessing your sin...asking forgiveness...you will simply give them a chance to be a better person to the next person they will meet...even if they failed to be one with you...to you...

So it is easy to forgive...and yet so hard if it is to forgive one own self...to forget and to move ahead...to be better person next time...why I could not forgive myself?

Even as an adult...coming to this age...getting wiser everyday has not change anything...my status is still like...hmm...brooding over mistakes...lies...oversight....

I still wish that I could go back and change things :
the ungainly lies my mouth emitted...
the insecurity I had felt...
all the innocent mistakes I made or were them not innocent?

I am trying hard to give me reasons for my perversion...but all I feel is the resentment...hatred and rage against myself. I should not have done that...I should not have accepted that....

I should have known that forgiving is very hard especially when it comes for one own self...every day every time whenever I ask myself for pardon I got the fit of furry...for myself.

I failed myself to be myself....I have disappointed myself...humiliated myself.

And no matter how I reason with myself...I just can’t forgive myself.

hmm...what a lovely...holly word this is...FORGIVEN.

Diary

If you’ve ever tried to keep a diary, then you’ll know that the problem of trying to write about the past really starts in the present : No matter how fast you write, you’re always stuck in the THEN and you can never catch up to what’s happening now, which means that now is pretty much doomed to extinction.

(A Tale for the Time Being – Ruth Ozeki)

I hope I will be able to confide everything to you, as I have never been able to confide in anyone, and I hope you will be a great source of comfort and support.

(The Diary of a Young Girl – Anne Frank)

So this is what people think about their diaries...hmm...you may confide anything to it...yet no matter how much you write on its fine blank pages...

I wish that somehow they have EARS... Yes...EARS...not the tongue but the EARS (one ear would do also) so if my diary has ears I think it would be more convenient for a person like me who always have so much negative to write about this world...this is very difficult for a person like me who managed herself somehow to present in such a positive manner to this world that when I truly sometime reveal my true identity people brush it off as something like for a time being after the episode I will go back to them saying sorry and will again resume my shell of being a courteous...hmm...humble and abased.

By the way, this reminds me of a lady (my ex-boss already more than 70 years of age when I used to work for her I am not sure her still living...does not mean that I want her dead by now...but...okay...okay...back to actual story)...
...she used to tell me (instead of her being very polite and humble) that nobody knows how rude she is...and I being not able to understand her...used to laugh aloud...

hmm...now I understand what she meant...now I am one of that “the” most rude person pretending to be very nice and humble but inside her heart melting with rage never getting courage to tell them that how foolish and stupid they are...how absurd how naive...

I can see their fake faces...I can feel their masks...I can see inside them...that how their insecurity led them talking endlessly without thinking that their talking reveals their true identity...it is more easy to be quite and let the other people do the talking...a never failing trick.

So this is ME...writing the same in my diary wishing it having ears to listen to me which I am right now feeling...which I don’t want to write but to say it loudly...since I can’t shed this negativity I feel time to time...when I hear those foolish...illogical...and absurd talking wishing myself patience to bear them and courage at the same time to tell them the truth.

hmm...seems like I am asking too much from my diary...anyone there to lend me an ear?

Observation Machine

As a child I used to rolled a lolly pop in my mouth like a sourball until I had its taste and feel.

As a grown up sometimes...when I hear something I fail to grasp at first listening it I usually repeat it to my mind again and again like a little child rolling lolly pop in my mouth until I can feel its taste on my tongue...and that is how I rolled his name around my mind until I became fluent with it...hmm....

Mustansar Hussain Tarar...now ...you too...try it..hmm...

It all started with, ‘Bahao’ his masterpiece...I read it and that led me to roll his name’s sound into my mouth again and again.

hmm...I have given up on Writers...not the famous ones are really good writers and not the good writers are good human beings...it simply means that good creativity does not promise you good character.

But when I met Mustansar Hussain Tarar, his simplicity impressed me.

He said that it is blessing from ALLAH (SWT) to make him such a famous and accomplished writer as he don’t have any other skills to feed him or to have such beautiful family. He also claimed that being a wanderer it must be his luck backing him up on attaining such success as a writer.

I like/admire his wit, its amazing to sit with someone so famous yet feeling comfortable not being once disturbed by the awkward silence you feel when you don’t have words to fill in the spaces between speeches...he never need those little speeches to encourage to speak up.

He always do his homework about where he is going...to whom he will meet...what kind of people would be there to greet him and so soon after you settle yourself opposite him he will start the conversation...and its always the same...

I have met him four to five times now....never seen him disorganized...miscalculated or out of words.

Once he told me that the Writers are so different from people who don’t write or don’t want to write or could not write...the Writers have kind of Observation Machine fitted into their mind...rescuing...noting...documenting every bit of what eyes are seeing...hmm...

....he went on as he remember every details of his father burial and said that at that point ‘..., ‘I asked myself that I should not be making notes isn’t so sad that my father died why not the grief blinded me or make me so dumb to record any of this? ...but I couldn’t help it...I was there and I was noting down every little details.’

I usually don’t like to meet famous people...as I said earlier...if I like a writer I go ahead reading all his work...in case of an actor watch his soaps or every on air dramas...but sometimes I make exceptions....and I am glad that I made that exception for Mustansar Hussain Tarar.

Reader

I should only make myself ridiculous in my own eyes if I clung to life and hugged it when it has no more to offer. 

Do you know what actually every living being is a reader only.

We are actually reading our story which is not written by us but we are forced to read it aloud so that we can be heard by others...sometimes it does us good since without reading perhaps we would never have seen ourselves clearly just by reading myself aloud I am actually making myself understand me...hmm...

The first line is the last sentence said by Socrates and soon after that he took the poisoned hemlock and ended his life.

His friend Crito was just asking Socrates to take more time...what is the rush for drinking poisonous water...let us celebrate...let us have a feast...perhaps you should ask for little luxury as your last wish...but Socrates sustained his friends request by simply saying that why wait when there is nothing more left....

I think Socrates knew that he have fully read his book and now there are no more stories left to continue the session but ofcourse how would I know...I was not present there...may be Crito told him to hurry up drink the water so that the world soon after his death recognize his real talent and make a statue of him...so that they can burden their coming generations to read and understand Socrates to understand life and they can discover a new branch of Science and call it Philosophy....I understand to make a new branch they needed sacrifices...may be Socrates was just freaking out by his unseen future and was out of his mind....and his disciples make all this up...as I said...I was not there.

But....I have seen my mother in her last stage...few more people...they become calm and kind of relaxed that they have finally come to the end of their book...perhaps by the end of the story the reading aloud fatigued so much the reader that s/he only want this to be end anyway...good way or bad way...just anyway.

Now you know that few books are lengthy and few hardly make any weight...so by just grabbing it you have this automatic feeling about how much this book reading will take your time...and so is we...by just going through different events of life...sensed our time in this world.

I just wonder that whatever my book held....does its starting and ending make any sense to anyone who is listening to me reading it aloud? Because I hardly make any sense to me so far...hmm....

What kind of dumb and boring book my Lord placed me with? ...even my highly appreciated reading skills failed me to make it interesting...if I had a choice to make...I would have picked a book with adventure....drama...suspense and a little bit action in it...hmm....but I think we are not allowed to make choices...whatever...hmm...

Explain Heat

As human beings...hmm...we invented the languages...and words...and sentences...and phrases that explains...

We...hmm....as proud inventor of our languages and faithful to our words thinks that there is nothing in this word which is in-explainable...you got words...put them into papers forward it to the person sitting next to you and after reading your words...in the language you both know (of course) will understand what you are trying to explain....or simply say them.

Never mind those who...hmm...can’t read or write and not all of us are good putting whatever we are feeling into words but besides all these people most of us have this confidence that we are able to talk so other can hear us...listen to us...believe us...understand us.

But sometimes after all one must and someday learn that there are things...feelings...or even natural bearings you can’t explain.

It is like one has to suffer that...bear it...encounter or experience it oneself to get it understood...hmm....

Then you just have to mention words like...~you know~, hope you understand~ and the other person would spin the head in affirmation and without saying any other word it would satisfy you that you have made your point.

So when my 8 years old nephew called from Canada and said that he is so happy that summer is around and he has plans of going to long rides and will have some outside Bar B Q parties with family...

I told him that summer is very different in Karachi.

He asked me how summer feels...here?

Well..hmm...it was a tough one...I tried explaining him that its very hot here...sunlight heated everything so much that you can cook an egg on your car’s windshield.

But he seems amused and said that it was funny or might be I am not a very good demonstrator...what could I say...just blurted out few more nearest examples I could catch at that point of being ridiculed by an eight years old...but failed....we closed the conversation and moved on to the other topics.

Well how can I say...hmm...that you don’t know what heat is until you are in your 1992 model Suzuki Khyber old car...in an afternoon crossing the Shahrah e Faisal road in the summer.

You can’t just come up with words that catch it.

Some might be...like...

A: Trees give up.
B: You may cook an egg on your car’s windshield...

hmmm....what else...well...describe that if you know how.

Being in the Flock means....

Any of the Aesop’s fables will do as examples to begin with...hmm...

The fox who loses his tail in a trap and then tries to persuade all the other foxes to cut theirs off, because a fox looks better that way, is a situation that may be paralleled in human experience easily enough.

So...don't think its only with the animals...its with us human beings too...Aesop was very good in his fables....suits us all...hmm...

As I said there are others always trying to tell you what is better for you...making decisions for you knowing you least makes them more confident that they are doing a good job...less they know you the more determined they will be in making decisions for you.

I want to know that why I can’t make my voice heard...I tried few times explaining but seems like whether I am not talking the same language they do or perhaps I am just pretending to be talking while there is no voice at all coming from my mouth what so ever....like I said...I am not a fox without a tail...yah...so persuading is not my hidden talent...

As in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Robert Bach said: Don’t believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you’ll see the way to fly.

To be different means to be alone...outcast....sitting where no one wants to sit beside you...isolated...I might not like their decisions for me but I also don’t want to be an outcast.

And I really don’t want to be different...isolated...a fox who loses its tail...I don’t want to work hard to make others believe that they will look better without the tail so get rid of it...I don’t want to be the one telling people that all their eyes showing them is false limitations...

I just want to be with the flock and be happy and gay as human feels with their fellow beings...so I don’t want anyone to stare at me and exclaimed ...ohh my my...whats happened to you? Or something like ohh...where is your tail...have you lost it accidently?

I just want to be like all of them...however if being with the flock means losing my common sense and reasoning...hmm...I might give it a second thought...(wink)

ME within me !

There is one ME within me, deep inside of me ~ Yunus Emre

One day Nasreddin Hodja lost the key of his treasure.

Although he searched the street in front of his house and around the neighbouring houses, as well as along the road to the village, he couldn’t find it anywhere.

So he called on his neighbours to help him find the key.

They also looked high and low and all around the village but to no avail. It was as if the ground had opened and swallowed it up.

Fortunately, sometime later, it occurred to one of the neighbours to ask the Hodja;

“Hodja, are you sure you dropped the key outside ?”

“Oh no, “ the Hodja said, “I dropped it inside, but to search outside is easier, that’s why I am searching out here.”

hmmm...I imitate ME...but this is not ME...this is someone look like me...wearing my face and having my voice...believe me I am not ME.

And does this really matters to you if you come to know that while talking to me you are not actually talking to Me...but the one imitating ME?

hmm...I think thats the whole point...just because what OTHERS will think about me I have to imitate...had I care less myself would not be imitating ME and would have been happily living being myself.

You know what...I think I am searching the key somewhere or from someone I never will find...perhaps new place...or new god???

hmm...so my dear dear Lord...now would YOU please tell me once for all that whether YOU want me to find ME or should I go somewhere else...to someone else for help?

...and being always a devoted slave....my parting words (as always) would be...

hmm....to ALLAH be all glory.